The Ice Queen Needs A Latte

Ahhhh The roller coaster of personality traits that is Ninja Kitty. It seems not so long ago I was trying to break myself of the habit of Elaine-ish behavior. Don't play coy with me.... you know that automatic response of unwittingly shoving someone halfway across a crowded room in the midst of maniacal laughter... Poking someone affectionately in the arm for a smile. Hugging a complete stranger who looks in need of one (in lieu of suggesting a proctology exam or the company of a blow up doll, perhaps). I used to be nice. Yes, I will wait patiently for you to stop guffawing...

... Done yet? Sheesh. It seems I am, in fact, entering the Surly Old Tart phase of my life. I've grown increasingly cynical, sarcastic and.... well... bitchy. But beyond becoming a ray of goddamned sunshine, I'm suddenly cold. So very... very.... cold. Seasonal depression? Perhaps. The simple product of the hostile corporate environment? Would certainly be understandable. No... It's something more. It's the baffled shock I suddenly notice I exhibit in response to a hug or a kind word. And I can't, for a moment, imagine how this all came about. I have always thought myself a pretty happy & snuggly sort of creature. On the bright side, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, no?

It pains me to admit this, but I most certainly hid behind a bedazzled wall of sorts. In my quest for resilience and decreased hypersensitivity, I passed GO, blew the $200 on smokes, and jumped off that cliff all those silly lemmings were headed for. Fear not - there is still an ounce of humanity left in me. I credit schizophrenic hormones for that one. I sob pitifully at commercials featuring baby animals and the mere notion that my 4 year old gets to wear a cap & gown to his "graduation" from Pre-Kindergarten (and truly, the two are related, as dressing up a 4 year old is damn close to the hilariousness of dressing up animals in my eyes - "Look! He thinks he's people!"). But then there are those moments where one of the little munchkins hugs me and it's met with a look of confused horror.

I'm relatively aware that my anti-social behavior as of late isn't much of a remedy - so what then? More coffee? A heat rock? Will I grow a tail that can be cut off w/ a butcher's knife and then promptly regenerate? Am I alone in finding that last one a bloody cool thought?

I believe the answer is in being more true to myself. I currently smile despite being in mental or physical agony as I wasn't thrilled upon discovering the vast majority of the population is not nearly as empathetic as I. The show must go on, or something to that effect. When the exhaustion of the public persona washes over me, I inadvertently take it all out on those I love and cherish beyond belief. I shall liken this semi-conscious activity to the boiling frog syndrome. Frankly, it's high time I put an end to this behavior. Which is more important? Being liked or being real?

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Kitty

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Ice Queen Needs A Latte

Ahhhh The roller coaster of personality traits that is Ninja Kitty. It seems not so long ago I was trying to break myself of the habit of Elaine-ish behavior. Don't play coy with me.... you know that automatic response of unwittingly shoving someone halfway across a crowded room in the midst of maniacal laughter... Poking someone affectionately in the arm for a smile. Hugging a complete stranger who looks in need of one (in lieu of suggesting a proctology exam or the company of a blow up doll, perhaps). I used to be nice. Yes, I will wait patiently for you to stop guffawing...

... Done yet? Sheesh. It seems I am, in fact, entering the Surly Old Tart phase of my life. I've grown increasingly cynical, sarcastic and.... well... bitchy. But beyond becoming a ray of goddamned sunshine, I'm suddenly cold. So very... very.... cold. Seasonal depression? Perhaps. The simple product of the hostile corporate environment? Would certainly be understandable. No... It's something more. It's the baffled shock I suddenly notice I exhibit in response to a hug or a kind word. And I can't, for a moment, imagine how this all came about. I have always thought myself a pretty happy & snuggly sort of creature. On the bright side, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, no?

It pains me to admit this, but I most certainly hid behind a bedazzled wall of sorts. In my quest for resilience and decreased hypersensitivity, I passed GO, blew the $200 on smokes, and jumped off that cliff all those silly lemmings were headed for. Fear not - there is still an ounce of humanity left in me. I credit schizophrenic hormones for that one. I sob pitifully at commercials featuring baby animals and the mere notion that my 4 year old gets to wear a cap & gown to his "graduation" from Pre-Kindergarten (and truly, the two are related, as dressing up a 4 year old is damn close to the hilariousness of dressing up animals in my eyes - "Look! He thinks he's people!"). But then there are those moments where one of the little munchkins hugs me and it's met with a look of confused horror.

I'm relatively aware that my anti-social behavior as of late isn't much of a remedy - so what then? More coffee? A heat rock? Will I grow a tail that can be cut off w/ a butcher's knife and then promptly regenerate? Am I alone in finding that last one a bloody cool thought?

I believe the answer is in being more true to myself. I currently smile despite being in mental or physical agony as I wasn't thrilled upon discovering the vast majority of the population is not nearly as empathetic as I. The show must go on, or something to that effect. When the exhaustion of the public persona washes over me, I inadvertently take it all out on those I love and cherish beyond belief. I shall liken this semi-conscious activity to the boiling frog syndrome. Frankly, it's high time I put an end to this behavior. Which is more important? Being liked or being real?

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