A Corroded Key

"You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists."

I had originally intended to provide a thorough play-by-play on a certain graduation that took place yesterday afternoon - but as there exists grainy footage of such that can be viewed at a later date, I shall refrain. Rather, the events of the evening that followed sparked renewed happiness and clarity in Miss Ninja Kitty. That evening was my muse.

Beyond the influence of entirely too much wine (is there such a thing!? If you have the tolerance of a newborn - Yes. Yes there is.), I was dazzled by the conversation which took place. It was a long overdue emotional trip that offered not only explanation, but a new perception on the events that shaped the people my mother and I are today. If it were not for my innate curiosity and determination to ask the correct questions, the door to this realm may well have remained forever locked. 

Specifics of the content of this conversation will remain ours and ours alone. If you know anything about me and my gift of gab, you know the significance of that statement. However, there is one discovery that I shall share as no damage or betrayal results from such. I discovered last night the magnitude of sacrifices my mother made in her own life and to her own happiness which directly resulted in all the freedoms, fabulous personality quirks and any confidence I possess and further exhibit today. That last part was particularly revealing as I had spent the greater part of my life believing the poisonous notion that she had somehow held me back in this regard. It wasn't so much that I harbored any resentment for this... Rather, my hypersensitive interpretations of our previous interactions led me to the conclusion that I had a small level of confidence IN SPITE OF rather than DUE TO all of this.

I now stand (or sit, as the case may be) before you an immensely humbled, enriched and fortunate woman. I imagine it rivaling the emotions surrounding the days following a near death experience. This can mostly be attributed to my flair for the dramatic. Nonetheless, this feeling approaches the sensation of every last one of my nerve endings bursting like a metaphorical sparkler. ALIVE! Well.... without the accompanying cannibalism, of course *snicker*.

When I got off the phone with my mom this morning, I gathered this experience had been quite mutually beneficial. There were tears and apologies of the imagined burden she had caused me by letting down her guard and filling me with all the pain and brutal honesty she had kept bottled up for far too many years. I was on the verge of shocked laughter as she clearly didn't realize what she had released me from. A smile danced across my lips as I heard through the unnecessary apologies that for the first time in decades, she slept. Through the night. Without any "helpers". No more nightmares. So much that had been feasting away at her soul was now the mere faint ghost of a predator.

There are no words in any language that could begin to capture the thanks I wish to express to her. But I shall make it my mission to try anyway. I love you, Mom.

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Kitty

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Corroded Key

"You're the envy of all your friends, but only because they're tasteless masochists."

I had originally intended to provide a thorough play-by-play on a certain graduation that took place yesterday afternoon - but as there exists grainy footage of such that can be viewed at a later date, I shall refrain. Rather, the events of the evening that followed sparked renewed happiness and clarity in Miss Ninja Kitty. That evening was my muse.

Beyond the influence of entirely too much wine (is there such a thing!? If you have the tolerance of a newborn - Yes. Yes there is.), I was dazzled by the conversation which took place. It was a long overdue emotional trip that offered not only explanation, but a new perception on the events that shaped the people my mother and I are today. If it were not for my innate curiosity and determination to ask the correct questions, the door to this realm may well have remained forever locked. 

Specifics of the content of this conversation will remain ours and ours alone. If you know anything about me and my gift of gab, you know the significance of that statement. However, there is one discovery that I shall share as no damage or betrayal results from such. I discovered last night the magnitude of sacrifices my mother made in her own life and to her own happiness which directly resulted in all the freedoms, fabulous personality quirks and any confidence I possess and further exhibit today. That last part was particularly revealing as I had spent the greater part of my life believing the poisonous notion that she had somehow held me back in this regard. It wasn't so much that I harbored any resentment for this... Rather, my hypersensitive interpretations of our previous interactions led me to the conclusion that I had a small level of confidence IN SPITE OF rather than DUE TO all of this.

I now stand (or sit, as the case may be) before you an immensely humbled, enriched and fortunate woman. I imagine it rivaling the emotions surrounding the days following a near death experience. This can mostly be attributed to my flair for the dramatic. Nonetheless, this feeling approaches the sensation of every last one of my nerve endings bursting like a metaphorical sparkler. ALIVE! Well.... without the accompanying cannibalism, of course *snicker*.

When I got off the phone with my mom this morning, I gathered this experience had been quite mutually beneficial. There were tears and apologies of the imagined burden she had caused me by letting down her guard and filling me with all the pain and brutal honesty she had kept bottled up for far too many years. I was on the verge of shocked laughter as she clearly didn't realize what she had released me from. A smile danced across my lips as I heard through the unnecessary apologies that for the first time in decades, she slept. Through the night. Without any "helpers". No more nightmares. So much that had been feasting away at her soul was now the mere faint ghost of a predator.

There are no words in any language that could begin to capture the thanks I wish to express to her. But I shall make it my mission to try anyway. I love you, Mom.

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