Countdowns & Cocktails

" Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars."

In 18 days, my eldest uncoordinated midget and I board a plane for "home".  What, at first, seemed like a reasonably good idea has spiraled into a packed suitcase of mixed emotions and feral raccoons. It has been almost 12 years since I set foot in the town I once sought to flee. Much has changed through those dozen years, but one thing remains the same: Haunted memories.


I would like to imagine I will be able to arrive and depart entirely unnoticed. After all, it is certainly a sprawlingly vast city. But one thing I found during my tenure there: It's curiously a bustling metropolis and a small town all at once. Despite aspiring towards that sense of peace and confidence when stating "no regrets", I'm afraid I left a trail of chaos in my wake and there are plenty of people who would feel blessed should our paths never cross again.

There is that saying that "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." In this age of technology, access to what became of each figure encountered along the journey is literally at your fingertips. In many cases, I've watched with pride from afar as those dear to me grew and matured, found love or achieved other levels of personal success. In other cases, I learned of those unable to cope with the world around them who chose to exit this world long before their time. My heart aches for even the most selfish individuals who never learned the subtle art of asking for help. But we each have our own path to follow and our own reasons for choosing one branch or another along the way.



A friend of mine once told me something that I have spent many years recovering from. I can't say I was entirely sure of her motives at the time and I'm further unsure whether it was spoken out of adoration or contempt. Regardless, I allowed it to impact me in a negative fashion to where I was convinced no good could come of knowing me. She often compared me to Marilyn Monroe. One of those silly little dreams many girls naively aspire towards. Especially those of us who struggle with weight - afterall, she was the epitome of full curves and sassy femininity. Stunning and charismatic. She was also broken beyond repair. Lost in her insecurities and an eternal longing to be loved. This friend told me with absolute conviction, that I was the type of person no one could ever forget. That I would further permeate the minds and souls of everyone who ever encountered me. I was the scapegoat for many broken homes and broken birds. Not something to be proud of, to be sure.

So now I face going back to the geographical location that houses so many of these memories and struggles. A sort of emotional reunion with so many things best left in the past. I am a far different person than the scared little girl who ran away from home in search of a blank slate. More grounded, experienced and at peace with all that has happened. Should I encounter someone in need of closure, I will not deny them what they need to close that chapter and move forward. Should I, indeed, come and go unnoticed, I also will not flinch. Perhaps, in a round about way, it is I who needs the closure, and the circumstances leading up to this trip were all but unintentional.

For now, I shall focus more on the obstacle of traveling with a 4 year old by plane one way... and the 10+ hour car ride without a cigarette back. Time for a cocktail, no? Wish me luck!


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Kitty

Monday, May 2, 2011

Countdowns & Cocktails

" Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars."

In 18 days, my eldest uncoordinated midget and I board a plane for "home".  What, at first, seemed like a reasonably good idea has spiraled into a packed suitcase of mixed emotions and feral raccoons. It has been almost 12 years since I set foot in the town I once sought to flee. Much has changed through those dozen years, but one thing remains the same: Haunted memories.


I would like to imagine I will be able to arrive and depart entirely unnoticed. After all, it is certainly a sprawlingly vast city. But one thing I found during my tenure there: It's curiously a bustling metropolis and a small town all at once. Despite aspiring towards that sense of peace and confidence when stating "no regrets", I'm afraid I left a trail of chaos in my wake and there are plenty of people who would feel blessed should our paths never cross again.

There is that saying that "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." In this age of technology, access to what became of each figure encountered along the journey is literally at your fingertips. In many cases, I've watched with pride from afar as those dear to me grew and matured, found love or achieved other levels of personal success. In other cases, I learned of those unable to cope with the world around them who chose to exit this world long before their time. My heart aches for even the most selfish individuals who never learned the subtle art of asking for help. But we each have our own path to follow and our own reasons for choosing one branch or another along the way.



A friend of mine once told me something that I have spent many years recovering from. I can't say I was entirely sure of her motives at the time and I'm further unsure whether it was spoken out of adoration or contempt. Regardless, I allowed it to impact me in a negative fashion to where I was convinced no good could come of knowing me. She often compared me to Marilyn Monroe. One of those silly little dreams many girls naively aspire towards. Especially those of us who struggle with weight - afterall, she was the epitome of full curves and sassy femininity. Stunning and charismatic. She was also broken beyond repair. Lost in her insecurities and an eternal longing to be loved. This friend told me with absolute conviction, that I was the type of person no one could ever forget. That I would further permeate the minds and souls of everyone who ever encountered me. I was the scapegoat for many broken homes and broken birds. Not something to be proud of, to be sure.

So now I face going back to the geographical location that houses so many of these memories and struggles. A sort of emotional reunion with so many things best left in the past. I am a far different person than the scared little girl who ran away from home in search of a blank slate. More grounded, experienced and at peace with all that has happened. Should I encounter someone in need of closure, I will not deny them what they need to close that chapter and move forward. Should I, indeed, come and go unnoticed, I also will not flinch. Perhaps, in a round about way, it is I who needs the closure, and the circumstances leading up to this trip were all but unintentional.

For now, I shall focus more on the obstacle of traveling with a 4 year old by plane one way... and the 10+ hour car ride without a cigarette back. Time for a cocktail, no? Wish me luck!


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Post a Comment