If It's Too Good To Be True...

" Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it. "

On the way to god-knows-where last night, I wandered by the illuminated screen of the TV in our room and became instantly hypnotized. An infomercial. But not just any infomercial (as pretty well 99.9% of the damn things are nowadays with the passing of Billy Mays) - one for precisely the product I was unaware I needed! A magical paint sprayer. I have no doubts this was pissed upon by the gods as the demonstration happening before my very eyes was downright astonishing!.... Plus I still have two or three painting projects I really need to get on before what's left of my hypothetical motivation vanishes.



As I type this, I have no less than two browsers in the background containing shopping carts from two As Seen On TV sites with products it just so happens I am in desperate need of. So why can't I commit to pressing "send"? Am I so entirely jaded on the promises of strangers despite their honest declarations of complete satisfaction? Perhaps the shipping seems all too unreasonable given the invoices I browse monthly for my company's FedEx account. Surely these global masters of merchandising have similar corporate dollar-volume-discount contracts? Ahhh... then there's the learned talent of closing aforementioned browser and hoping for a discount if I promise to come back....



I was reading, just this morning, that these products generate billions in profit each year. Billions. Even those of us who have a hell of a time paying a utility bill are somehow able to shell out money in the hopes of some level of happiness or convenience. It makes me curious if these masterminds of marketing are overlooking the obvious benefits of branching out into the religious cult arena. Or perhaps they are one and the same?

The dilemma surrounds notions that those such as Ninja Kitty really have a perceived NEED for a handful of these items. A NEED to believe that a solution exists for an affordable sum. For the love of Pete, who the hell bothers to even address a specific problem through invention if for no other reason than fraud? Quite frankly, it breaks my heart. I'm troubled that such evil exists as to form a business with the ultimate mission of providing false hopes to damaged goods. I won't even get started on the pure bullshit that is Publisher's Clearing House! Our friendship is currently quite on hold!



Back to the subject at hand, I actually procured a product based on the recommendation of a kind woman who clearly saw pain painted upon my face. One who took just enough pity to divulge a dirty little secret to this product's success. And you know what? It worked! I kid you not. It further has worked for those few I have unabashedly shared the information with. And as luck would have it - as the news spreads, the demand grows. There was plenty of supply in the beginning, but now thanks to customs implications, one feels they are bordering on treason to continue with the purchase. It has become a burden of the black market variety. Is there no justice? Why impose frivolous regulations on that which delivers something other than grief for those who had almost lost all hope?



I am jaded, indeed. As I now fully believe that nothing worth procuring can be procured with the slightest of ease. Nothing truly legitimate in it's promise would so much as be broadcast across normal channels. So who the hell do I have to kill around here to find China's equivalent of the products sitting in my bloody respective carts? *sigh*

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Kitty

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

If It's Too Good To Be True...

" Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it. "

On the way to god-knows-where last night, I wandered by the illuminated screen of the TV in our room and became instantly hypnotized. An infomercial. But not just any infomercial (as pretty well 99.9% of the damn things are nowadays with the passing of Billy Mays) - one for precisely the product I was unaware I needed! A magical paint sprayer. I have no doubts this was pissed upon by the gods as the demonstration happening before my very eyes was downright astonishing!.... Plus I still have two or three painting projects I really need to get on before what's left of my hypothetical motivation vanishes.



As I type this, I have no less than two browsers in the background containing shopping carts from two As Seen On TV sites with products it just so happens I am in desperate need of. So why can't I commit to pressing "send"? Am I so entirely jaded on the promises of strangers despite their honest declarations of complete satisfaction? Perhaps the shipping seems all too unreasonable given the invoices I browse monthly for my company's FedEx account. Surely these global masters of merchandising have similar corporate dollar-volume-discount contracts? Ahhh... then there's the learned talent of closing aforementioned browser and hoping for a discount if I promise to come back....



I was reading, just this morning, that these products generate billions in profit each year. Billions. Even those of us who have a hell of a time paying a utility bill are somehow able to shell out money in the hopes of some level of happiness or convenience. It makes me curious if these masterminds of marketing are overlooking the obvious benefits of branching out into the religious cult arena. Or perhaps they are one and the same?

The dilemma surrounds notions that those such as Ninja Kitty really have a perceived NEED for a handful of these items. A NEED to believe that a solution exists for an affordable sum. For the love of Pete, who the hell bothers to even address a specific problem through invention if for no other reason than fraud? Quite frankly, it breaks my heart. I'm troubled that such evil exists as to form a business with the ultimate mission of providing false hopes to damaged goods. I won't even get started on the pure bullshit that is Publisher's Clearing House! Our friendship is currently quite on hold!



Back to the subject at hand, I actually procured a product based on the recommendation of a kind woman who clearly saw pain painted upon my face. One who took just enough pity to divulge a dirty little secret to this product's success. And you know what? It worked! I kid you not. It further has worked for those few I have unabashedly shared the information with. And as luck would have it - as the news spreads, the demand grows. There was plenty of supply in the beginning, but now thanks to customs implications, one feels they are bordering on treason to continue with the purchase. It has become a burden of the black market variety. Is there no justice? Why impose frivolous regulations on that which delivers something other than grief for those who had almost lost all hope?



I am jaded, indeed. As I now fully believe that nothing worth procuring can be procured with the slightest of ease. Nothing truly legitimate in it's promise would so much as be broadcast across normal channels. So who the hell do I have to kill around here to find China's equivalent of the products sitting in my bloody respective carts? *sigh*

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