Abracadab-Oh To Hell With It.

" It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans. "

I'm utterly convinced one of two things needs to occur post-haste: Kids need to come with manuals, or people need to meet certain qualifications to breed. Really, either scenario will guarantee the award of a Too-Little-Too-Late Trophy. Nonetheless, I take some strange comfort in knowing I never would have passed the final exam for the latter. Dilemma Du Jour?: Magic.



I was notified at the last possible moment (which I sense is just the beginning of such a theme), that my almost-5-year-old's little summer school thought it a brilliant notion to have a talent show. A Pre-K Talent Show. Am I the only one who finds this to be an oxymoron? Perhaps I've just REALLY been slacking when compared to the psychopaths engaged in the pageant mom circuit..... I always figured I was overachieving when it came to clinical insanity. Turns out I was wasting my gifts on hobbies of the non-domestic variety. Anyhoo - he naturally decided to showcase his magic talents.... of which he has none.



As I quantify all the influences taken in by his spongy mass of a brain, it makes complete sense. My Big Bag of Man Candy and I have taken demented delight in brandishing our "powers" since he was born: Mama can point to the microwave and magically make it beep - Papa waves his hand at the traffic signal and VOILA! GREEN!!! There is a very real sense of entertainment to be had while screwing with your kids' heads. That's rather the point of breeding, no? To spawn a miniature fan club guaranteed to be downright dazzled at everything you do? Shit, AT LEAST until they're old enough to know better.... Granted, I wasn't expecting that day to come quite so early....



 Back to the subject at hand - the poor boy is convinced he can point at the garage and command it to close. In the interest of time in the morning, we thought we'd note that his brother lacks this gift so we wouldn't have to wait for the damn door to go up and down again before rushing off on our commute. Thanks to awesomely frightening creativity, he has taken this all to a new level. To a child altogether convinced his parents are gullible twits, the sky is clearly the limit! As such, I was tasked with bringing all this "magic" back down to earth and molding it into a brief presentation suitable for an audience of 20 or so. Off to Zeezos I went.



Confession time. Despite my extraordinary distaste for venturing out in public, I don't need much convincing to frequent Zeezos. That place may as well be a year-round celebration of freaks - A label Yours Truly contently flaunts! Magic supplies, costumes, gags & novelties. I wouldn't think twice of decorating my entire abode with such frivolous treasures! So there we were, mindlessly gawking at all the magical offerings behind the counter - not an easy feat for a broad who is past the stage of qualifying as legally blind - and here he comes to save the day!....



Man, if you ever are in need of feeling like a hopeless slacker of a parent, may I suggest encountering the father of prodigies on your journey. We lamely stumble over explaining that we have no clue what in the hell we're doing as our 4 year old dropped a bomb on us that he plans to display his nonexistent magic skills at the upcoming "Talent Show". He holds up his hand calmly and explains how he has a 4-year-old, himself, so no need to fret. Just as we're ready to breathe sighs of relief, here comes this precious doe-eyed darling around the counter.... sporting a helmet. Oh hell, we both think - the poor dear is prone to Ninja-Kitty-Caliber-Clumsiness! Yeah, no. She has been engaged in becoming Houdini since age 2, and she is also dabbling in competition-level skateboarding.... Wait, WHAT!? Ahhh yes. Top that muthafuckin' cake off with the impressive resume of his 2 year old. *groan* We suck. Look, can we just get a goddamned magic wand and a generic top hat and we'll quit polluting the charmed air you breathe, Sir? That would have been too easy - he performed nothing short of community service assisting us and we left with fool-proof entertainment in a bag. Hmmm... You know... this actually means we come out looking like goddamned heroes for the relatively cheap price of our pride.... Win-win?



So we totally didn't come out looking like heroes. In fact, my 4 year old spent much of the morning sobbing and carrying on. Seems he no longer cared about the magic and just wanted to bring his stuffed puppy to school. Like model parents, we told him it was his teacher that made that decision and if he wanted to be upset, to aim it at her :).  I'm thinking the lesson, here, is that we all do the best we can do. As I'm still feeling my way through the ins and outs of this whole "parenthood" garbage, I can't beat myself up for finding myself unprepared. It'll probably be a cold day in hell if I ever volunteer for the PTA, Cub Scouts, Bake Sale, etc... But if either kiddo ever needs something that can be procured from Zeezos (or the good folks at his preschool hold parent-teacher conferences at, say, the local pub), I'm there.

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Kitty

Friday, June 17, 2011

Abracadab-Oh To Hell With It.

" It will be hard to take on the dual role of teacher and parent, but that's the life you'll lead as the enchanted rabbit companion to two plucky orphans. "

I'm utterly convinced one of two things needs to occur post-haste: Kids need to come with manuals, or people need to meet certain qualifications to breed. Really, either scenario will guarantee the award of a Too-Little-Too-Late Trophy. Nonetheless, I take some strange comfort in knowing I never would have passed the final exam for the latter. Dilemma Du Jour?: Magic.



I was notified at the last possible moment (which I sense is just the beginning of such a theme), that my almost-5-year-old's little summer school thought it a brilliant notion to have a talent show. A Pre-K Talent Show. Am I the only one who finds this to be an oxymoron? Perhaps I've just REALLY been slacking when compared to the psychopaths engaged in the pageant mom circuit..... I always figured I was overachieving when it came to clinical insanity. Turns out I was wasting my gifts on hobbies of the non-domestic variety. Anyhoo - he naturally decided to showcase his magic talents.... of which he has none.



As I quantify all the influences taken in by his spongy mass of a brain, it makes complete sense. My Big Bag of Man Candy and I have taken demented delight in brandishing our "powers" since he was born: Mama can point to the microwave and magically make it beep - Papa waves his hand at the traffic signal and VOILA! GREEN!!! There is a very real sense of entertainment to be had while screwing with your kids' heads. That's rather the point of breeding, no? To spawn a miniature fan club guaranteed to be downright dazzled at everything you do? Shit, AT LEAST until they're old enough to know better.... Granted, I wasn't expecting that day to come quite so early....



 Back to the subject at hand - the poor boy is convinced he can point at the garage and command it to close. In the interest of time in the morning, we thought we'd note that his brother lacks this gift so we wouldn't have to wait for the damn door to go up and down again before rushing off on our commute. Thanks to awesomely frightening creativity, he has taken this all to a new level. To a child altogether convinced his parents are gullible twits, the sky is clearly the limit! As such, I was tasked with bringing all this "magic" back down to earth and molding it into a brief presentation suitable for an audience of 20 or so. Off to Zeezos I went.



Confession time. Despite my extraordinary distaste for venturing out in public, I don't need much convincing to frequent Zeezos. That place may as well be a year-round celebration of freaks - A label Yours Truly contently flaunts! Magic supplies, costumes, gags & novelties. I wouldn't think twice of decorating my entire abode with such frivolous treasures! So there we were, mindlessly gawking at all the magical offerings behind the counter - not an easy feat for a broad who is past the stage of qualifying as legally blind - and here he comes to save the day!....



Man, if you ever are in need of feeling like a hopeless slacker of a parent, may I suggest encountering the father of prodigies on your journey. We lamely stumble over explaining that we have no clue what in the hell we're doing as our 4 year old dropped a bomb on us that he plans to display his nonexistent magic skills at the upcoming "Talent Show". He holds up his hand calmly and explains how he has a 4-year-old, himself, so no need to fret. Just as we're ready to breathe sighs of relief, here comes this precious doe-eyed darling around the counter.... sporting a helmet. Oh hell, we both think - the poor dear is prone to Ninja-Kitty-Caliber-Clumsiness! Yeah, no. She has been engaged in becoming Houdini since age 2, and she is also dabbling in competition-level skateboarding.... Wait, WHAT!? Ahhh yes. Top that muthafuckin' cake off with the impressive resume of his 2 year old. *groan* We suck. Look, can we just get a goddamned magic wand and a generic top hat and we'll quit polluting the charmed air you breathe, Sir? That would have been too easy - he performed nothing short of community service assisting us and we left with fool-proof entertainment in a bag. Hmmm... You know... this actually means we come out looking like goddamned heroes for the relatively cheap price of our pride.... Win-win?



So we totally didn't come out looking like heroes. In fact, my 4 year old spent much of the morning sobbing and carrying on. Seems he no longer cared about the magic and just wanted to bring his stuffed puppy to school. Like model parents, we told him it was his teacher that made that decision and if he wanted to be upset, to aim it at her :).  I'm thinking the lesson, here, is that we all do the best we can do. As I'm still feeling my way through the ins and outs of this whole "parenthood" garbage, I can't beat myself up for finding myself unprepared. It'll probably be a cold day in hell if I ever volunteer for the PTA, Cub Scouts, Bake Sale, etc... But if either kiddo ever needs something that can be procured from Zeezos (or the good folks at his preschool hold parent-teacher conferences at, say, the local pub), I'm there.

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