Expressions of Speechlessness

Last night, sleep eluded me yet again. I was lost in thought as the hours ticked off into oblivion. I would fancy up one subject or another to ramble on about in what has become this jumbled diary of sorts. I mentally walked through each bill in pathetic need of payment. There was consideration of what to do for Father's Day or how not to celebrate another birthday. I would giggle at the cat snoring while she was draped across my legs one moment. The very next, I'd inadvertently launch the poor fuzzball off the bed recalling the massive beetle that zig-zagged past my toes earlier in the evening. There was no real stress resulting from endless thoughts. No rise in blood pressure, or gritting of teeth. Much to the contrary, I was pleased to find my thoughts had finally returned to a "pattern" of no particular order.

I went through all the hurried motions of getting ready early enough to allow the devotion of time to dressing, feeding and entertaining My Miniature Munchkins. Still, I was in a bit of a haze. Auto-pilot.

Even listening to an unusual soundtrack that would normally only suit a very morose mood, the morning commute was peaceful. Uneventful. Forgettable, even. I let a stranger through our locked building doors (how's that for maximum security?), kidnapped a container of generic ground coffee from the 2nd floor, even exchanged pleasantries with a handful of coworkers as I navigated the familiar hallways back down to my bastard-children-department's corner of the company. Nothing of note and not so much as a lasting imprint left on my mind. Another Thursday.

Predictably, the coffee pot was fired up, I started my computer, pulled my phones out of my purse and set the volume level for each, briefly touched up some chipped nail polish and by that time, the coffee was ready. I grabbed the closest cell phone, my pack of menthols, prepared a cup of a splash of coffee with my delightfully flavored cream and my friend and I set off for the basement to have a morning chat outside. The same routine. Day after day.

It was while sitting in the crisp morning air and musing about books we have read or would like to when a feeling washed over me that I have not experienced for what seems like ages. The calmest sense of happiness and appreciation. It was in that moment that I gazed out at the forest just beyond the curb and really took in the significance of the day. Fog still dancing mysteriously through the towering trees under an overcast sky. A tantalizing breeze sending soft chills across my exposed arms. The taste of the bitter coffee fruitlessly competing with the sweet deliciousness of the creamer as it passes my lips. It was all like some fantastically cheesy commercial for Folgers. Perhaps more similar to International Cafe.....

In that same moment, I began experiencing one memory after another - recalling such an innocent state of bliss:

 Having breakfast with my mom while sitting on the patio of my favorite ski resort during late Spring.... The birth of my first born - tears streaming down my cheeks and the deafening clamour of an ominous thunderstorm....An anniversary spent up in Estes Park, sitting in the hot tub on the balcony and watching the snow silently fall.... Watering the flowers as a child and catching an angle with the spray of the hose which created a magnificent rainbow as the sun's first beams filtered through the raspberry bushes in the distance.... The sounds of my boys laughing those deep, magical belly laughs at the thinking our dog had miraculously morphed colors only to find out that was the neighbor's dog who slipped under our fence.... Skipping church with my brother in favor of procuring Slurpees, Mad Magazine and candy then promptly escaping to the park at the top of The Avenues....The birth of my second born - an indescribable feeling of relief when the blue-grey hue left his tiny shivering body....Blushing in embarrassment when my dad insisted on holding my hand while walking in a park when he further decided to call attention to us by whistling the theme from Man of La Mancha....

These memories have been increasingly exploding like extraordinary fireworks in my consciousness. Although I'm simultaneously knocking on wood while musing that things could not possibly be worse at work, here I sit with a broad grin as I couldn't care less. I had forgotten about so many of these points in time where my heart was ablaze with joy. I had seemingly forgotten how to let go of the trivial stresses of insecurities, money or tangible objects that flat out don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am awestruck and speechless. Only able to emotionally vomit all of these realizations in silence across the illuminated screen directly in front of me. Unable to keep it all somehow contained inside.

June 9th, 2011. Kitty has awakened from a coma.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Kitty

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Expressions of Speechlessness

Last night, sleep eluded me yet again. I was lost in thought as the hours ticked off into oblivion. I would fancy up one subject or another to ramble on about in what has become this jumbled diary of sorts. I mentally walked through each bill in pathetic need of payment. There was consideration of what to do for Father's Day or how not to celebrate another birthday. I would giggle at the cat snoring while she was draped across my legs one moment. The very next, I'd inadvertently launch the poor fuzzball off the bed recalling the massive beetle that zig-zagged past my toes earlier in the evening. There was no real stress resulting from endless thoughts. No rise in blood pressure, or gritting of teeth. Much to the contrary, I was pleased to find my thoughts had finally returned to a "pattern" of no particular order.

I went through all the hurried motions of getting ready early enough to allow the devotion of time to dressing, feeding and entertaining My Miniature Munchkins. Still, I was in a bit of a haze. Auto-pilot.

Even listening to an unusual soundtrack that would normally only suit a very morose mood, the morning commute was peaceful. Uneventful. Forgettable, even. I let a stranger through our locked building doors (how's that for maximum security?), kidnapped a container of generic ground coffee from the 2nd floor, even exchanged pleasantries with a handful of coworkers as I navigated the familiar hallways back down to my bastard-children-department's corner of the company. Nothing of note and not so much as a lasting imprint left on my mind. Another Thursday.

Predictably, the coffee pot was fired up, I started my computer, pulled my phones out of my purse and set the volume level for each, briefly touched up some chipped nail polish and by that time, the coffee was ready. I grabbed the closest cell phone, my pack of menthols, prepared a cup of a splash of coffee with my delightfully flavored cream and my friend and I set off for the basement to have a morning chat outside. The same routine. Day after day.

It was while sitting in the crisp morning air and musing about books we have read or would like to when a feeling washed over me that I have not experienced for what seems like ages. The calmest sense of happiness and appreciation. It was in that moment that I gazed out at the forest just beyond the curb and really took in the significance of the day. Fog still dancing mysteriously through the towering trees under an overcast sky. A tantalizing breeze sending soft chills across my exposed arms. The taste of the bitter coffee fruitlessly competing with the sweet deliciousness of the creamer as it passes my lips. It was all like some fantastically cheesy commercial for Folgers. Perhaps more similar to International Cafe.....

In that same moment, I began experiencing one memory after another - recalling such an innocent state of bliss:

 Having breakfast with my mom while sitting on the patio of my favorite ski resort during late Spring.... The birth of my first born - tears streaming down my cheeks and the deafening clamour of an ominous thunderstorm....An anniversary spent up in Estes Park, sitting in the hot tub on the balcony and watching the snow silently fall.... Watering the flowers as a child and catching an angle with the spray of the hose which created a magnificent rainbow as the sun's first beams filtered through the raspberry bushes in the distance.... The sounds of my boys laughing those deep, magical belly laughs at the thinking our dog had miraculously morphed colors only to find out that was the neighbor's dog who slipped under our fence.... Skipping church with my brother in favor of procuring Slurpees, Mad Magazine and candy then promptly escaping to the park at the top of The Avenues....The birth of my second born - an indescribable feeling of relief when the blue-grey hue left his tiny shivering body....Blushing in embarrassment when my dad insisted on holding my hand while walking in a park when he further decided to call attention to us by whistling the theme from Man of La Mancha....

These memories have been increasingly exploding like extraordinary fireworks in my consciousness. Although I'm simultaneously knocking on wood while musing that things could not possibly be worse at work, here I sit with a broad grin as I couldn't care less. I had forgotten about so many of these points in time where my heart was ablaze with joy. I had seemingly forgotten how to let go of the trivial stresses of insecurities, money or tangible objects that flat out don't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am awestruck and speechless. Only able to emotionally vomit all of these realizations in silence across the illuminated screen directly in front of me. Unable to keep it all somehow contained inside.

June 9th, 2011. Kitty has awakened from a coma.

No comments:

Post a Comment