TRUST FALL!!!!!

"A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were." <---- Awesomeness. And entirely unrelated.



So I was inadvertently invited to a bit of a social gathering as the UBER OFFICIAL THIRD WHEEL. I'm the last person on the planet to decline a free.... umm.... anything - Conduct a survey of the good folks who peddle their wares on Craigslist in Colorado and I'm sure you'll get a general consensus. Anyhoo - The waitress was clearly an undercover Pusher as she handed out the menus and there was a subliminal-not-so-subliminal and other-worldly sign staring me right in the eyes. It could have additionally been whispering sweet nothings, but the music was cranked up a tad, so I didn't catch any subtleties. (By the by, T.G.I. Fridays plays a pretty mean string of catchy ska music on random Thursday afternoons!)



Lunchtime Cocktail Menu.



Oh hell no!

I would say it was all downhill from there, but I'm wearing strange shoes and can't be entirely certain I am proceeding towards a lower altitude. In fact, it feels more akin to an M.C. Escher piece..... While I'm at it - you know, since I am not surrounded by a single "responsible adult" who has had the good sense to physically restrain me due to my current state - I'm inserting a disclaimer a bit late in the game: ***DISCLAIMER FROM THE AUTHOR: Alcoholism is a serious disease which should not be treated lightly. If you suspect you or someone you know may be in the throes of such a disease, please proceed to the nearest facility for treatment. I could recommend a place, but I do believe we all see where this is leading***



Christ, I can't even feign having good intentions when I'm typing at about 130wpm in the hopes that spell check will surely straighten my ass up before the mood moves me to click that seductive bright orange "PUBLISH POST" button down in that corner..... Ya, I'm fucking talking to you! You knew exactly what would happen if you showed up (is "showed" a real word? I'll Google (or "Goggle", as I tend to type when in a rush) it later and go back and edit this post if absolutely necessary since my O.C.D. kicks into hyperdrive when I'm going through a bout of insomnia....) looking the way you do... Your shiny hair and short skirt. Fucking Trollop. OK, can anyone in the audience tell me where in the hell I was going with all of this? *reading back through the post*



Nope. I got nothing. OH! There should probably be some sort of summary tossed about in here:
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE WISDOMLESS:

1. If you're a cheap date, do not - I REPEAT - do NOT consume more than one fru-fru beverage on a random lunch date you were only invited to out of obligatory pity.

2. When breaking the seal during aforementioned obligatory pity date, do NOT tell the little girl who just exited the only available stall that she is absolutely darling and you would love to take her home and tie her up (which was meant as a compliment to her innocent darling-ness).

3. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT return to work.

4. Knowing damn well you disobeyed #3, do NOT respond to work emails.

5. Quit fucking ignoring all this GOLDEN bloody advice!

6. Do NOT answer the phone when your mom calls to let you know her plane arrived safely.

7. DO make extra pots of coffee TOUT DE SUITE!!!!!!

8. Do NOT heckle your boss to the point where she LOUDLY accuses you of being a goddamned Trollop/Streetwalker right before the elevator opens upon a completely silent/stunned audience of company executives visiting for a mandatory training seminar.

So yeah. We've reached the point in the game where Kitty Kitty is sent to the corner for a time-out. Actually, Kitty Kitty refuses to go to her fucking corner until she is absolutely convinced through the cloud of paranoia that she is not about to get canned for aforementioned elevator incident. I blame raspberry daiquiris. And T.G.I. Fridays. And The French. *wheels turning regarding plots to sue all three parties for an undisclosed sum of money*



Ciao for Now My Pets!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Kitty

Thursday, June 23, 2011

TRUST FALL!!!!!

"A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were." <---- Awesomeness. And entirely unrelated.



So I was inadvertently invited to a bit of a social gathering as the UBER OFFICIAL THIRD WHEEL. I'm the last person on the planet to decline a free.... umm.... anything - Conduct a survey of the good folks who peddle their wares on Craigslist in Colorado and I'm sure you'll get a general consensus. Anyhoo - The waitress was clearly an undercover Pusher as she handed out the menus and there was a subliminal-not-so-subliminal and other-worldly sign staring me right in the eyes. It could have additionally been whispering sweet nothings, but the music was cranked up a tad, so I didn't catch any subtleties. (By the by, T.G.I. Fridays plays a pretty mean string of catchy ska music on random Thursday afternoons!)



Lunchtime Cocktail Menu.



Oh hell no!

I would say it was all downhill from there, but I'm wearing strange shoes and can't be entirely certain I am proceeding towards a lower altitude. In fact, it feels more akin to an M.C. Escher piece..... While I'm at it - you know, since I am not surrounded by a single "responsible adult" who has had the good sense to physically restrain me due to my current state - I'm inserting a disclaimer a bit late in the game: ***DISCLAIMER FROM THE AUTHOR: Alcoholism is a serious disease which should not be treated lightly. If you suspect you or someone you know may be in the throes of such a disease, please proceed to the nearest facility for treatment. I could recommend a place, but I do believe we all see where this is leading***



Christ, I can't even feign having good intentions when I'm typing at about 130wpm in the hopes that spell check will surely straighten my ass up before the mood moves me to click that seductive bright orange "PUBLISH POST" button down in that corner..... Ya, I'm fucking talking to you! You knew exactly what would happen if you showed up (is "showed" a real word? I'll Google (or "Goggle", as I tend to type when in a rush) it later and go back and edit this post if absolutely necessary since my O.C.D. kicks into hyperdrive when I'm going through a bout of insomnia....) looking the way you do... Your shiny hair and short skirt. Fucking Trollop. OK, can anyone in the audience tell me where in the hell I was going with all of this? *reading back through the post*



Nope. I got nothing. OH! There should probably be some sort of summary tossed about in here:
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE WISDOMLESS:

1. If you're a cheap date, do not - I REPEAT - do NOT consume more than one fru-fru beverage on a random lunch date you were only invited to out of obligatory pity.

2. When breaking the seal during aforementioned obligatory pity date, do NOT tell the little girl who just exited the only available stall that she is absolutely darling and you would love to take her home and tie her up (which was meant as a compliment to her innocent darling-ness).

3. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT return to work.

4. Knowing damn well you disobeyed #3, do NOT respond to work emails.

5. Quit fucking ignoring all this GOLDEN bloody advice!

6. Do NOT answer the phone when your mom calls to let you know her plane arrived safely.

7. DO make extra pots of coffee TOUT DE SUITE!!!!!!

8. Do NOT heckle your boss to the point where she LOUDLY accuses you of being a goddamned Trollop/Streetwalker right before the elevator opens upon a completely silent/stunned audience of company executives visiting for a mandatory training seminar.

So yeah. We've reached the point in the game where Kitty Kitty is sent to the corner for a time-out. Actually, Kitty Kitty refuses to go to her fucking corner until she is absolutely convinced through the cloud of paranoia that she is not about to get canned for aforementioned elevator incident. I blame raspberry daiquiris. And T.G.I. Fridays. And The French. *wheels turning regarding plots to sue all three parties for an undisclosed sum of money*



Ciao for Now My Pets!

No comments:

Post a Comment