It Ain't Me

"You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil."

This last week, I declared an end to my self-inflicted time out from a certain social networking site. ***SPOILER ALERT: I am NOT referring to the one Justin Timberlake has so graciously signed on with to resurrect it from the dead*** As silly and rather trivial as this decision was, I was only able to arrive at this decision after much consideration. I decided if I had a purpose, it would more easily be justified. The funny thing about all of this: in one of those "the grass isn't always greener" sort of moments, I quickly realized not only why I left in the first place, but that any moment of simple pleasure there was to be gained was fleeting.



There was a bit of a verbal ticker-tape parade welcoming me back and further assigning quite undeserved credit for bringing the entertainment value back to the joint. While unabashedly flattering, it was all still fleeting. The fact is, I offer nothing special. Miss N.K. is not splashing around in a kiddie pool of self-loathing in this statement. Rather, any perceived "wit" or razzle-dazzle-special effect is merely the predictable effects of "putting it out there" so to speak. Many of the strangers I grew to know and adore over the course of the past few years had one thing in common: Lack of inhibition to join the conversation.



I suppose I can actually take credit for something else entirely as I realized I have, in fact, matured over the past handful of months. I've never possessed a particularly competitive nature. My definition of the same ventured more towards slapping myself upside the head when I realized my motivation was waning as compared to those I was surrounded by. I never strived to "beat them" (we're not talking physical violence, here.... otherwise, I plead the 5th) or outdo them. Those motives simply don't register on my radar. Rather, in putting forth an effort to befriend and lift the spirits of others (which, admittedly was a gut reaction to feeling excluded from the REAL world), I achieved some level of popularity and even notoriety. You don't have to look very far to see that my innermost thoughts poured across this page never reached a similar level of infamy. And that's OK. All the gibberish and 20-character-or-less quips splashed this way and that on even the most mundane "updates" are little more than that - gibberish. All of it so far removed from the daily joy or pain Annie experiences.



Please don't misunderstand - my intent is not to take cheap shots at the people or friendships encountered along the way. I suppose if there is an intent in all of this, it is some inner need to climb atop some skyscraper and shout "YOU ALL ARE GIVING ME WAY TOO MUCH GODDAMNED CREDIT!!!!" And at the end of the day, I failed to see WHY. After all, I figured I was no different there than I am in person.



Simply not the case.

I genuinely care about things. I can't always be summed up in a set number of characters and emoticons. Sometimes I have something to say that will not be popular among the masses. Yet it was enticingly simple to cut & paste my personality to suit any miniature rant or quip I felt the need to sprinkle across the ever-refreshing pages. I took a bit of sick delight in always having the last word. I could place the most coveted (yet least prominent) facets of my personality on display- and all of this was perceived as somehow fabulous. At the end of the day, anyone with similar insecurities could pull off the same bullshit.



When I left, there were people I truly wanted to keep in touch with. People I thought I had built meaningful friendships with.  I must say, it was an eye-opening and lonely number of months at first. Sure, it can be inconvenient to open your heart to someone outside those walls. I can be the queen of slackers when it comes to email responses or returned phone calls. Never out of malice, and I don't fault any of those people mentioned for the same. Still. Quite lonely. Out of the loneliness came a new appreciation of myself. I gradually have learned to tolerate my quirks.... even more gradually to LIKE some of them. And I sit before you today pretty damn OK with who I am.

My encore presence has already begun opening the cracks of strife once the Internet connection is terminated. I'm not such a bad creature in person, and to love or appreciate me, one should be realizing the person in the flesh is more important, no?


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Kitty

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It Ain't Me

"You will have the most thrilling experience of your life this week. Hint: It will involve an electric pencil sharpener and a once-dull pencil."

This last week, I declared an end to my self-inflicted time out from a certain social networking site. ***SPOILER ALERT: I am NOT referring to the one Justin Timberlake has so graciously signed on with to resurrect it from the dead*** As silly and rather trivial as this decision was, I was only able to arrive at this decision after much consideration. I decided if I had a purpose, it would more easily be justified. The funny thing about all of this: in one of those "the grass isn't always greener" sort of moments, I quickly realized not only why I left in the first place, but that any moment of simple pleasure there was to be gained was fleeting.



There was a bit of a verbal ticker-tape parade welcoming me back and further assigning quite undeserved credit for bringing the entertainment value back to the joint. While unabashedly flattering, it was all still fleeting. The fact is, I offer nothing special. Miss N.K. is not splashing around in a kiddie pool of self-loathing in this statement. Rather, any perceived "wit" or razzle-dazzle-special effect is merely the predictable effects of "putting it out there" so to speak. Many of the strangers I grew to know and adore over the course of the past few years had one thing in common: Lack of inhibition to join the conversation.



I suppose I can actually take credit for something else entirely as I realized I have, in fact, matured over the past handful of months. I've never possessed a particularly competitive nature. My definition of the same ventured more towards slapping myself upside the head when I realized my motivation was waning as compared to those I was surrounded by. I never strived to "beat them" (we're not talking physical violence, here.... otherwise, I plead the 5th) or outdo them. Those motives simply don't register on my radar. Rather, in putting forth an effort to befriend and lift the spirits of others (which, admittedly was a gut reaction to feeling excluded from the REAL world), I achieved some level of popularity and even notoriety. You don't have to look very far to see that my innermost thoughts poured across this page never reached a similar level of infamy. And that's OK. All the gibberish and 20-character-or-less quips splashed this way and that on even the most mundane "updates" are little more than that - gibberish. All of it so far removed from the daily joy or pain Annie experiences.



Please don't misunderstand - my intent is not to take cheap shots at the people or friendships encountered along the way. I suppose if there is an intent in all of this, it is some inner need to climb atop some skyscraper and shout "YOU ALL ARE GIVING ME WAY TOO MUCH GODDAMNED CREDIT!!!!" And at the end of the day, I failed to see WHY. After all, I figured I was no different there than I am in person.



Simply not the case.

I genuinely care about things. I can't always be summed up in a set number of characters and emoticons. Sometimes I have something to say that will not be popular among the masses. Yet it was enticingly simple to cut & paste my personality to suit any miniature rant or quip I felt the need to sprinkle across the ever-refreshing pages. I took a bit of sick delight in always having the last word. I could place the most coveted (yet least prominent) facets of my personality on display- and all of this was perceived as somehow fabulous. At the end of the day, anyone with similar insecurities could pull off the same bullshit.



When I left, there were people I truly wanted to keep in touch with. People I thought I had built meaningful friendships with.  I must say, it was an eye-opening and lonely number of months at first. Sure, it can be inconvenient to open your heart to someone outside those walls. I can be the queen of slackers when it comes to email responses or returned phone calls. Never out of malice, and I don't fault any of those people mentioned for the same. Still. Quite lonely. Out of the loneliness came a new appreciation of myself. I gradually have learned to tolerate my quirks.... even more gradually to LIKE some of them. And I sit before you today pretty damn OK with who I am.

My encore presence has already begun opening the cracks of strife once the Internet connection is terminated. I'm not such a bad creature in person, and to love or appreciate me, one should be realizing the person in the flesh is more important, no?


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