A Random Explanation for My Absence

Writer's Block.



One would think that to be sufficient cause to fall off the face of the earth for just over a month, yes? Ahhh, but what fun would that be for the gal who can't seem to "shut up" when it comes to letting my segmented and borderline hysterical ramblings dance via my fingertips across the surface of the keyboard? Plus, I've established I have a certain attachment for run-on sentences......



It really wasn't even so much that I had nothing to say - but rather a mixture of too many things to say coupled with the lack any real cohesion to express them. I have stated that I write for myself and only for myself. I often wonder if I'm simply trying to convince myself? Although I always viewed a need for reaction or criticism as my own personal demon, I'm growing to find that it's a basic inherent trait of a much larger population. Many of us long to be loved, hated, respected, ridiculed - just about anything but forgotten. All other emotional responses are STILL responses. But to be ignored, neglected or forgotten... well, we may as well cease to exist at that point.



In the same vein: "Praised" is something I am altogether uncomfortable with. I no longer feel a need to be adored by all - as I learned, over MUCH time, that it was a fleeting sort of adoration. It was an emotion borne of a bit of other's selfish need for entertainment. I could.... well.... amuse.

"What do ya mean, funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"



Does a happy medium exist in all of this? I draw the comparison between this mental battle taking place within the confines of my skull and the basic recipe for success in a work environment.... I strive to be a better person, I really do. How can I possibly understand what it is I lack or where my faults lie if no one bothers to clue me in on this? How does one grow when they can't necessarily put a finger on which way "UP" is? Similarly, if I'm continually placed on a pedestal of sorts - praised and complimented (whether out of fear of my fragility or otherwise) - have I already reached the boring pinnacle of perfection? What is the point of standing at the top with that tempered glass ceiling pressing down upon my head? Does anyone truly want to be perfect? My lord, I certainly hope not. What a horridly depressing thought to even fathom someone who actually KNOWS all there is to know!! I would sit atop that mountain with my flowy white robes billowing in the gusts of knowledge pondering "WHAT NOW?" - before briskly jumping off the cliff to my doom!



I believe deep in my soul that there is so much more out there - both on the emotional and the physical journey. Our imaginations fueled by bedazzled creativity shatter any limits or boundaries. You can't begin to imagine my disappointment when, after MONTHS of struggling to master Metroid, I found that upon passing, you simply start the game over, though this time w/out a helmet. *hangs head in disgust* Yes, I am indeed a nerd. A damn proud one! I have a lot of life left in me and an unimaginably vast number of things to learn... I hope that you, the reader, will join me on some of these Choose-Your-Own-Adventures if, for nothing more than a brief moment in time. I could use all the help (help=feedback) I can get!


Kitty

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Random Explanation for My Absence

Writer's Block.



One would think that to be sufficient cause to fall off the face of the earth for just over a month, yes? Ahhh, but what fun would that be for the gal who can't seem to "shut up" when it comes to letting my segmented and borderline hysterical ramblings dance via my fingertips across the surface of the keyboard? Plus, I've established I have a certain attachment for run-on sentences......



It really wasn't even so much that I had nothing to say - but rather a mixture of too many things to say coupled with the lack any real cohesion to express them. I have stated that I write for myself and only for myself. I often wonder if I'm simply trying to convince myself? Although I always viewed a need for reaction or criticism as my own personal demon, I'm growing to find that it's a basic inherent trait of a much larger population. Many of us long to be loved, hated, respected, ridiculed - just about anything but forgotten. All other emotional responses are STILL responses. But to be ignored, neglected or forgotten... well, we may as well cease to exist at that point.



In the same vein: "Praised" is something I am altogether uncomfortable with. I no longer feel a need to be adored by all - as I learned, over MUCH time, that it was a fleeting sort of adoration. It was an emotion borne of a bit of other's selfish need for entertainment. I could.... well.... amuse.

"What do ya mean, funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"



Does a happy medium exist in all of this? I draw the comparison between this mental battle taking place within the confines of my skull and the basic recipe for success in a work environment.... I strive to be a better person, I really do. How can I possibly understand what it is I lack or where my faults lie if no one bothers to clue me in on this? How does one grow when they can't necessarily put a finger on which way "UP" is? Similarly, if I'm continually placed on a pedestal of sorts - praised and complimented (whether out of fear of my fragility or otherwise) - have I already reached the boring pinnacle of perfection? What is the point of standing at the top with that tempered glass ceiling pressing down upon my head? Does anyone truly want to be perfect? My lord, I certainly hope not. What a horridly depressing thought to even fathom someone who actually KNOWS all there is to know!! I would sit atop that mountain with my flowy white robes billowing in the gusts of knowledge pondering "WHAT NOW?" - before briskly jumping off the cliff to my doom!



I believe deep in my soul that there is so much more out there - both on the emotional and the physical journey. Our imaginations fueled by bedazzled creativity shatter any limits or boundaries. You can't begin to imagine my disappointment when, after MONTHS of struggling to master Metroid, I found that upon passing, you simply start the game over, though this time w/out a helmet. *hangs head in disgust* Yes, I am indeed a nerd. A damn proud one! I have a lot of life left in me and an unimaginably vast number of things to learn... I hope that you, the reader, will join me on some of these Choose-Your-Own-Adventures if, for nothing more than a brief moment in time. I could use all the help (help=feedback) I can get!