There Is No "We" in "ME" :)

" You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant. "



'Tis a strange and amusing ongoing battle between my personalities:
Wanting to be "liked" vs. Wanting to blend seamlessly in with the wallpaper
Trying to be selfless vs. Making it all about ME
Wanting to move to Italy vs. Dreams of moving to Pluto



This morning, my first born started kindergarten. My first thoughts? How I was going to handle this. What the hell, Mama? This day is about HIM. His first steps towards miniature manhood! A thousand shades of NEW. Yet I was confident he'd be just fine - after all, he's the oldest. He's had to play the role of guinea pig for every first. First smile. First steps. First word. First bike.....First one to push Mama's buttons.



But exuding confidence in my uncoordinated midget - how on earth did I think it justified making it all about me? The answer to that lies in the past 33 or so years.... There have always been two very distinct sides of Miss Kitty - more recently, I fear those have bred or blossomed or begat...ummm...eth multiple more. I am always the first to second guess everything I do, say and/or think. I also use "I" a lot in my writing - which tends to be one of those pesky red flags of a *gasp* narcissist. I (there it is AGAIN!!! DAMNIT!) tend to turn my thoughts towards convincing myself it's simply a lack of any real writing talent or structure. Could be a pleasant mixture of the two?



This is where I jump head-first down that slip-'n-slide into the splash pools of overanalyzation. Do I have sinister motive in everything I do? If I don't gain some level of reassurance, will I spontaneously combust? I suppose it's possible - and it's almost a tempting enough curiosity to test... In an attempt to defend myself *cough* TO MYSELF - I then swim some laps in self-loathing for good measure. Almost seems there is an air of familiarity.... the unending cycle of Catholic guilt. I was never "Confirmed", so I always fancied notions that I had somehow outwitted The Vatican.



Then I have an "Ah-ha" moment. Not the band, mind you (plus it's spelled differently) - though Take On Me IS the first song in rotation each day I start my iPod over again - I tend to skip it as quickly as possible through a beet-red face and shifty looks of paranoia. Back to the moment.... It dawns on me that the intangible line between loving myself and REALLY LOVING MYSELF is an utterly foreign concept to me. Fight it as I try, I still can't help but equate even the smallest amount of confidence with an overflowing ego. As I spoke, at length, with a very dear friend of mine about - I struggle with breaking the synapse in my brain that automatically views "confidence" as a four-letter word. And I'm not talking about the "F" one as I utilize that to a degree that would give a sailor pause.



Alas, just another hiccup along this windy journey of mine. Today, of all days, it could not be less about ME. And I don't limit that to my Van's first day of kindergarten. Then again, I suppose I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I weren't viewing the world from MY perspective.... If I weren't simply being.... well.... ME.

Kitty

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

There Is No "We" in "ME" :)

" You'll finally learn you can't run away from your problems, but you haven't given up on escaping by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant. "



'Tis a strange and amusing ongoing battle between my personalities:
Wanting to be "liked" vs. Wanting to blend seamlessly in with the wallpaper
Trying to be selfless vs. Making it all about ME
Wanting to move to Italy vs. Dreams of moving to Pluto



This morning, my first born started kindergarten. My first thoughts? How I was going to handle this. What the hell, Mama? This day is about HIM. His first steps towards miniature manhood! A thousand shades of NEW. Yet I was confident he'd be just fine - after all, he's the oldest. He's had to play the role of guinea pig for every first. First smile. First steps. First word. First bike.....First one to push Mama's buttons.



But exuding confidence in my uncoordinated midget - how on earth did I think it justified making it all about me? The answer to that lies in the past 33 or so years.... There have always been two very distinct sides of Miss Kitty - more recently, I fear those have bred or blossomed or begat...ummm...eth multiple more. I am always the first to second guess everything I do, say and/or think. I also use "I" a lot in my writing - which tends to be one of those pesky red flags of a *gasp* narcissist. I (there it is AGAIN!!! DAMNIT!) tend to turn my thoughts towards convincing myself it's simply a lack of any real writing talent or structure. Could be a pleasant mixture of the two?



This is where I jump head-first down that slip-'n-slide into the splash pools of overanalyzation. Do I have sinister motive in everything I do? If I don't gain some level of reassurance, will I spontaneously combust? I suppose it's possible - and it's almost a tempting enough curiosity to test... In an attempt to defend myself *cough* TO MYSELF - I then swim some laps in self-loathing for good measure. Almost seems there is an air of familiarity.... the unending cycle of Catholic guilt. I was never "Confirmed", so I always fancied notions that I had somehow outwitted The Vatican.



Then I have an "Ah-ha" moment. Not the band, mind you (plus it's spelled differently) - though Take On Me IS the first song in rotation each day I start my iPod over again - I tend to skip it as quickly as possible through a beet-red face and shifty looks of paranoia. Back to the moment.... It dawns on me that the intangible line between loving myself and REALLY LOVING MYSELF is an utterly foreign concept to me. Fight it as I try, I still can't help but equate even the smallest amount of confidence with an overflowing ego. As I spoke, at length, with a very dear friend of mine about - I struggle with breaking the synapse in my brain that automatically views "confidence" as a four-letter word. And I'm not talking about the "F" one as I utilize that to a degree that would give a sailor pause.



Alas, just another hiccup along this windy journey of mine. Today, of all days, it could not be less about ME. And I don't limit that to my Van's first day of kindergarten. Then again, I suppose I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I weren't viewing the world from MY perspective.... If I weren't simply being.... well.... ME.