Madness

" Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems."..... color me intrigued.....

Another day, another personality, no? So after what can only be described as an Evening of Awesomeness, I awoke this morning to find not only had I inexplicably worn shoes and a sock monkey hat to bed, but had no recollection of fixing myself a pitcher of Kool-Aid and leaving it methodically in the garage. The most obtuse part of all of this? No alcohol involved. Just a good old fashioned case of insanity.... Of which I'm pretty well always game for! Really makes me wonder, though: what, exactly, happens in those hours when I mentally check out?



Perhaps the more telling question is how many hours do I actually clock back in for? Leading up to yesterday evening, I decided to embark on a little journey into the minds of others. I have grown rather weary of conversing with myself so figured I'd see what lies beyond. Much to my delight, I found a host of "me"'s sprinkled about the planet. Although my first instinct may or may not have been to throw a pity party when discovering I'm not all that unique - it was overtaken by feelings of "NEAT!!!!!". It seems I have plenty in common with some truly spectacular specimens. Don't worry, my ego remains blissfully the size of a walnut - still - splashed about various pages were what could easily have been my own thoughts and opinions. I'm guessing the vast majority of the general public has long since ventured past that bridge, but it's an entirely new ballgame for Miss Kitty. Hell, it's not even the same sport!



So what did I do with all these new found discoveries you ask? (Yeah, I'm being presumptuous there as you most likely know better than to EVER ask....) Nothing. Not a damn thing. I just scoured the words of strangers in silent awe. That is a bit of a theme in my life. I am exposed to something I'm extraordinarily and suddenly passionate about - I mull it around in my head for a bit - then I take a nap and *POOF*! Gone. Just like that.



And yet, I rather enjoy fancying up elaborate excuses for my pitiful approach to life.... Deep seeded Lifetime Movie Channel-worthy excuses. Exaggerated plot lines and tales of mystery and intrigue. The fact remains I simply lack the confidence and discipline to engage in anything beyond the bare minimum. Wow. To see that all staring back at me has me convinced I would do well to hire a professional resume writer after all! In a delectably round-about fashion, this all brings me to the subject at hand. What? Yes - I had one in mind all along! *cue maniacal and brilliant laughter*.... New Years.



Didn't see THAT coming, now, did you? Tis The Season for resolutions for the betterment of oneself and dare I say mankind, yes? The stuff that unicorn tears and double rainbows are made of! But the pressure. My god, the pressure! I could make dazzling declarations of how I am finally hellbent on becoming all I've ever strived to be. Trouble is, I never aimed particularly high with my goals. No, My Pets, I fully plan on remaining far more grounded.  Sure, I want to get out of debt, quit smoking, lose 40lbs, finish my tattoo, write a book, find and land a new job, spend more time enjoying and frolicking with my kids.... the list could go on and on - derailing from time to time for good measure. Rather, I promise nothing more than a smile each day. No matter what bat shit I dramatically sense I'm trudging through amidst fits of throwing myself to the floor to dodge the collapsing sky, I resolve to smile at some point. Laugh it off, dust myself off, slap a band aid on the non-existent scrape on my knee and move on. We are all our worst critics - I may even be my own arch-nemesis. Fancy notion, that....



So as opposed to getting down on myself every time I light up, bounce a check or hide from my little terrorists - I figure if I just use a smile as my umbrella (which still makes no bloody sense to me - seems all the rainwater would eventually fill the damn thing up and render it too heavy to lob around...), the sun will set and tomorrow will be a new day. Ain't that some shit? Happy Friday and Happy New Year's Eve-Eve!


BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE!

" An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June. "

Somewhere between my last upbeat post and that pesky one about my M.I.A. motivation, I suspect I ceased to exist. Tis a strange feeling, to be sure. Miss Kitty can be unhealthily obsessed with all things dead and undead and I'm currently unsure whether it's simple overexposure to zombies and ghosties. Regardless, I am experiencing these odd waking dreams in which I did, in fact, pass away roughly a week ago. As my earthly form forgot to read the fine print directions and move the hell on, it simply wanders aimlessly through the mundane. To compound the issue at hand, my e-mails are going unanswered and many calls seem to be dropped. I studied my reflection this morning for signs of trauma or at the very least, laceration - but no such luck.

Hypothetically speaking, I'm curious when I'll get the memo... When the light bulb will burst with light and I'll grasp what has happened. When I'll realize it's silly to continue showering at 2:45am and reporting to work... It's with almost eager anticipation that I look forward to the first creature I startle as I pass through a room, causing those eerie chills to dance upon one's flesh. My computer is clearly a sensitive sort of beast as it would almost appear as though it's registering the words as I type. Weird.

A dear friend of mine recently died and came back... she's been going through a host of chemo treatments and the pain medication prescribed sent her into a bout of hysteria followed promptly by a drug-induced coma. She had flat lined. Long enough to be pronounced dead. Then came back. For the first time in her life, she is at peace. Now, her only stress lies in trying to communicate with the living. To relay all that has happened to her as she's so eager.... desperate even.... to convey the pure awe surrounding her experience. I envision the spot she is at mentally approaches a sort of limbo. A purgatory. No longer able to comprehend the trivial day to day, but not yet taken to another plane of being. Being naturally empathetic, my heart aches for her. Every bit of me wishes to pick apart her brain - to get lost in conversation with her for days upon days... weeks... To provide an outlet for her pain and frustrations. A sounding board. Humanity.

Perhaps it is without that humanity - that touch - that shoulder to cry on or listening ear that we die. We cease to exist because we have ceased to matter. My dear friend is a state away and unable to communicate much by phone. She has retreated into her cave as she finds it far more serene in there. I'm not sure I'm ready to go - or come to grips with the possibility I already have..... I catch myself looking above me for that kite string that offered hope out of a storm drain so many years before. Only the black speckled ceiling meets my gaze. Weird.

Pardon Me, Have You Seen My Motivation?

"You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions. "

Latest trends have suggested my workload as of late is either feast or famine. Trouble is, after a week or two of famine, I'm left little more than drained and perhaps a bit hungry. The feast arrived yesterday, and my bets are still stuck on mastering level 10 of some meaningless internet game I happened upon while researching Navy-approved welding certifications (which, specifically, must adhere to NAVAIR 01-1A-34, for whatever THAT'S worth).



As I take a step back and look at my life, I'm left less than dazzled. What on earth do I do for a living and what will tomorrow bring? Naturally, I spend very little time actually WORRYING about all of this as my game doesn't seem to have an obvious "pause" button. I guess this is what the doldrums are like. I glance at the reflection in the pointless window facing the hallway in front of me to the "blizzard" happening behind me. The clank of the flags beating mercilessly against their respective poles.... the swollen neck of the 8-point buck that just wandered by... cars rushing to god-knows-where on the highway in the distance*.... the white noise of the long-since-obsolete HVAC system in this building. I'm taking all of this in wondering what in the hell happened to me. I used to really strive to accomplish. To do. To complete. Instead, I find myself sitting in this chair feeling my cells pushing back against the chair as though if I wait here long enough, I might just morph into this shoddy piece of furniture. I even stopped wearing my glasses 2 days ago* as I simply don't feel like being bothered with anything further than 2 inches from my nose.



What does one do when they find themselves in such a rut? By all indications, I should be in a state of relative bliss. Trouble is, I find myself longing for that bar up the street when I'm in these silly moods. I'm sure I'd be an alcoholic if my piss-poor tolerance allowed for it. Of course, that's no life to strive for (or at least, that's what I understand). Although incredibly fortunate to be employed at this precise moment in time, that just doesn't seem enough of a push to close down this game, this blog, or this ad site I just clicked on because I am, in fact, in search of new tires. Is this depression? Or just a bit of a residual seasonal coma?

I often sit and ponder what drives others. How they can be persistently searching, growing, DOING. If left to my own devices, and if those two adorable munchkins of mine weren't so vocal and pushy, I'd probably have little guilt in sleeping away the days. Although I don't think I used to do that pre-breeding.... Locating memories of such is even too daunting a task. When did I get so damn lazy? Is it a good use of my time to ask myself questions I have no intention on answering?



I'd be quite intrigued to find what it is that makes other people tick. Perhaps the missing link lies in the lack of social interaction. And I mean REAL interaction - not just the frequent whines and fits of distress from the silly day-to-day frustrations of the job. OK, so I can't quite blame that either as I just returned from a "fresh air" break to discuss Christmas decorations in finite detail. *sigh*

Would it be such a bad thing to procure a company-wide PA system from which to stream constant disco? I've recently found that disco puts me in rare form. I suppose it's that same rare form suddenly sporting roller skates and boas in a fit of flamboyance that's precisely what a "bad thing" that idea is. It's a damn shame if you ask me, which you didn't. I clearly entertain myself with these discussions in my head, so those shall continue, at the least. *more sighs*



Well sorry to be such a Negative Nancy (I'm curious to what extent this aforementioned Nancy takes to that moniker?), and I'm sure to snap out of all of this soon enough. For now, I have to restart this level as my neglect is reflected in my score. If you have any friendly advice for Miss Kitty, I'm all ears!

* So how, exactly, can I describe the goings on as reflected in the glass in front of me if I'm not wearing my spectacles? Imagination, Dear Pets, imagination *smile*

Kitty

Friday, December 30, 2011

Madness

" Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems."..... color me intrigued.....

Another day, another personality, no? So after what can only be described as an Evening of Awesomeness, I awoke this morning to find not only had I inexplicably worn shoes and a sock monkey hat to bed, but had no recollection of fixing myself a pitcher of Kool-Aid and leaving it methodically in the garage. The most obtuse part of all of this? No alcohol involved. Just a good old fashioned case of insanity.... Of which I'm pretty well always game for! Really makes me wonder, though: what, exactly, happens in those hours when I mentally check out?



Perhaps the more telling question is how many hours do I actually clock back in for? Leading up to yesterday evening, I decided to embark on a little journey into the minds of others. I have grown rather weary of conversing with myself so figured I'd see what lies beyond. Much to my delight, I found a host of "me"'s sprinkled about the planet. Although my first instinct may or may not have been to throw a pity party when discovering I'm not all that unique - it was overtaken by feelings of "NEAT!!!!!". It seems I have plenty in common with some truly spectacular specimens. Don't worry, my ego remains blissfully the size of a walnut - still - splashed about various pages were what could easily have been my own thoughts and opinions. I'm guessing the vast majority of the general public has long since ventured past that bridge, but it's an entirely new ballgame for Miss Kitty. Hell, it's not even the same sport!



So what did I do with all these new found discoveries you ask? (Yeah, I'm being presumptuous there as you most likely know better than to EVER ask....) Nothing. Not a damn thing. I just scoured the words of strangers in silent awe. That is a bit of a theme in my life. I am exposed to something I'm extraordinarily and suddenly passionate about - I mull it around in my head for a bit - then I take a nap and *POOF*! Gone. Just like that.



And yet, I rather enjoy fancying up elaborate excuses for my pitiful approach to life.... Deep seeded Lifetime Movie Channel-worthy excuses. Exaggerated plot lines and tales of mystery and intrigue. The fact remains I simply lack the confidence and discipline to engage in anything beyond the bare minimum. Wow. To see that all staring back at me has me convinced I would do well to hire a professional resume writer after all! In a delectably round-about fashion, this all brings me to the subject at hand. What? Yes - I had one in mind all along! *cue maniacal and brilliant laughter*.... New Years.



Didn't see THAT coming, now, did you? Tis The Season for resolutions for the betterment of oneself and dare I say mankind, yes? The stuff that unicorn tears and double rainbows are made of! But the pressure. My god, the pressure! I could make dazzling declarations of how I am finally hellbent on becoming all I've ever strived to be. Trouble is, I never aimed particularly high with my goals. No, My Pets, I fully plan on remaining far more grounded.  Sure, I want to get out of debt, quit smoking, lose 40lbs, finish my tattoo, write a book, find and land a new job, spend more time enjoying and frolicking with my kids.... the list could go on and on - derailing from time to time for good measure. Rather, I promise nothing more than a smile each day. No matter what bat shit I dramatically sense I'm trudging through amidst fits of throwing myself to the floor to dodge the collapsing sky, I resolve to smile at some point. Laugh it off, dust myself off, slap a band aid on the non-existent scrape on my knee and move on. We are all our worst critics - I may even be my own arch-nemesis. Fancy notion, that....



So as opposed to getting down on myself every time I light up, bounce a check or hide from my little terrorists - I figure if I just use a smile as my umbrella (which still makes no bloody sense to me - seems all the rainwater would eventually fill the damn thing up and render it too heavy to lob around...), the sun will set and tomorrow will be a new day. Ain't that some shit? Happy Friday and Happy New Year's Eve-Eve!


Thursday, December 29, 2011

BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE!

" An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June. "

Somewhere between my last upbeat post and that pesky one about my M.I.A. motivation, I suspect I ceased to exist. Tis a strange feeling, to be sure. Miss Kitty can be unhealthily obsessed with all things dead and undead and I'm currently unsure whether it's simple overexposure to zombies and ghosties. Regardless, I am experiencing these odd waking dreams in which I did, in fact, pass away roughly a week ago. As my earthly form forgot to read the fine print directions and move the hell on, it simply wanders aimlessly through the mundane. To compound the issue at hand, my e-mails are going unanswered and many calls seem to be dropped. I studied my reflection this morning for signs of trauma or at the very least, laceration - but no such luck.

Hypothetically speaking, I'm curious when I'll get the memo... When the light bulb will burst with light and I'll grasp what has happened. When I'll realize it's silly to continue showering at 2:45am and reporting to work... It's with almost eager anticipation that I look forward to the first creature I startle as I pass through a room, causing those eerie chills to dance upon one's flesh. My computer is clearly a sensitive sort of beast as it would almost appear as though it's registering the words as I type. Weird.

A dear friend of mine recently died and came back... she's been going through a host of chemo treatments and the pain medication prescribed sent her into a bout of hysteria followed promptly by a drug-induced coma. She had flat lined. Long enough to be pronounced dead. Then came back. For the first time in her life, she is at peace. Now, her only stress lies in trying to communicate with the living. To relay all that has happened to her as she's so eager.... desperate even.... to convey the pure awe surrounding her experience. I envision the spot she is at mentally approaches a sort of limbo. A purgatory. No longer able to comprehend the trivial day to day, but not yet taken to another plane of being. Being naturally empathetic, my heart aches for her. Every bit of me wishes to pick apart her brain - to get lost in conversation with her for days upon days... weeks... To provide an outlet for her pain and frustrations. A sounding board. Humanity.

Perhaps it is without that humanity - that touch - that shoulder to cry on or listening ear that we die. We cease to exist because we have ceased to matter. My dear friend is a state away and unable to communicate much by phone. She has retreated into her cave as she finds it far more serene in there. I'm not sure I'm ready to go - or come to grips with the possibility I already have..... I catch myself looking above me for that kite string that offered hope out of a storm drain so many years before. Only the black speckled ceiling meets my gaze. Weird.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pardon Me, Have You Seen My Motivation?

"You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions. "

Latest trends have suggested my workload as of late is either feast or famine. Trouble is, after a week or two of famine, I'm left little more than drained and perhaps a bit hungry. The feast arrived yesterday, and my bets are still stuck on mastering level 10 of some meaningless internet game I happened upon while researching Navy-approved welding certifications (which, specifically, must adhere to NAVAIR 01-1A-34, for whatever THAT'S worth).



As I take a step back and look at my life, I'm left less than dazzled. What on earth do I do for a living and what will tomorrow bring? Naturally, I spend very little time actually WORRYING about all of this as my game doesn't seem to have an obvious "pause" button. I guess this is what the doldrums are like. I glance at the reflection in the pointless window facing the hallway in front of me to the "blizzard" happening behind me. The clank of the flags beating mercilessly against their respective poles.... the swollen neck of the 8-point buck that just wandered by... cars rushing to god-knows-where on the highway in the distance*.... the white noise of the long-since-obsolete HVAC system in this building. I'm taking all of this in wondering what in the hell happened to me. I used to really strive to accomplish. To do. To complete. Instead, I find myself sitting in this chair feeling my cells pushing back against the chair as though if I wait here long enough, I might just morph into this shoddy piece of furniture. I even stopped wearing my glasses 2 days ago* as I simply don't feel like being bothered with anything further than 2 inches from my nose.



What does one do when they find themselves in such a rut? By all indications, I should be in a state of relative bliss. Trouble is, I find myself longing for that bar up the street when I'm in these silly moods. I'm sure I'd be an alcoholic if my piss-poor tolerance allowed for it. Of course, that's no life to strive for (or at least, that's what I understand). Although incredibly fortunate to be employed at this precise moment in time, that just doesn't seem enough of a push to close down this game, this blog, or this ad site I just clicked on because I am, in fact, in search of new tires. Is this depression? Or just a bit of a residual seasonal coma?

I often sit and ponder what drives others. How they can be persistently searching, growing, DOING. If left to my own devices, and if those two adorable munchkins of mine weren't so vocal and pushy, I'd probably have little guilt in sleeping away the days. Although I don't think I used to do that pre-breeding.... Locating memories of such is even too daunting a task. When did I get so damn lazy? Is it a good use of my time to ask myself questions I have no intention on answering?



I'd be quite intrigued to find what it is that makes other people tick. Perhaps the missing link lies in the lack of social interaction. And I mean REAL interaction - not just the frequent whines and fits of distress from the silly day-to-day frustrations of the job. OK, so I can't quite blame that either as I just returned from a "fresh air" break to discuss Christmas decorations in finite detail. *sigh*

Would it be such a bad thing to procure a company-wide PA system from which to stream constant disco? I've recently found that disco puts me in rare form. I suppose it's that same rare form suddenly sporting roller skates and boas in a fit of flamboyance that's precisely what a "bad thing" that idea is. It's a damn shame if you ask me, which you didn't. I clearly entertain myself with these discussions in my head, so those shall continue, at the least. *more sighs*



Well sorry to be such a Negative Nancy (I'm curious to what extent this aforementioned Nancy takes to that moniker?), and I'm sure to snap out of all of this soon enough. For now, I have to restart this level as my neglect is reflected in my score. If you have any friendly advice for Miss Kitty, I'm all ears!

* So how, exactly, can I describe the goings on as reflected in the glass in front of me if I'm not wearing my spectacles? Imagination, Dear Pets, imagination *smile*