Toning Down The 'Ol Personality.... When The Dial Goes To 11

Interview Tip #7: "Chances are they're looking for an office "bad boy" or "bad girl".  Show up late, knock everything off your interviewer's desk and say you need a dollar for the candy machine in the lobby."

They say the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. As mine is about as stable as a certain evening on May 6, 1937 aboard the Hindenburg, I've been dusting off the 'ol resume and weeping softly at the terrible lack of prospects. Nonetheless, I'm facing a bigger feat - NOT being QUITE so... well... *cough*... ME. Now why on earth would I want to tone down my personality beyond hearing that constructive advice from my spouse, one or two neighbors and our mailman? As I was poking about various trusty resume templates, I happened upon one that, although I'm sure was meant in complete jest, SPOKE TO ME. "The Resume of Awesomeness". No shit. It literally had a giant block letter watermark spelling out "AWESOME" across the entire page with little clip-art fireworks. Brilliance! Hey - what better way to stand out among a sea of far more qualified applicants, than with a bit of subliminal bedazzling? This led my train of though to derail delightfully off into a world where I could actually give full disclosure and still elude a restraining order. Although that grain alcohol I ingested only moments prior may have played a role in these fanciful dreams, I'm still not convinced they're unreasonable.

So here's what I'm working with:
  • Likes long walks on the beach, cheating on the NY Times crossword, listening to Beethoven symphonies as played on Caribbean steel drums and ingesting "Family Size" packages of Starbursts while sobbing under my desk.
  • Freakishly friendly, bordering on flirtatious to mask unreasonable fears of social situations and the public, in general.
  • Impressive upper body strength, although the only known application of such to date was displaying She-Ra abilities during an ocean kayaking tour well over a year ago.
  • Have you ever noticed Betty Boop's head is the shape of a piece of toast? ... Sorry - *ahem*: Easily Distracted Multi Tasking QUEEN
  • Obnoxiously enthusiastic about data entry so long as it's accomplished in some dark basement office with no access to a phone.
So, yeah... I'd like to think I'm some deity's gift to worker bees. How does one go about highlighting all these delectable attributes making sure to clear the vast hurdles of buzzword-seeking-HR-software? Until I discover the answer to all of this, I'm ramping up on multiple sweepstakes entries. HA! There's another bullet point! "Always has a Plan B!" BOOYAH!

Alas, it seems I'm simply too damn special to waste my plethora of talents doing anything all that useful. Still - such a shame to remain camped out in this cave until the first signs of Spring. Anyone up for Skeeball?

2 comments:

  1. Ughhh...good luck! Before I got laid.............off I tried looking for jobs too. And even though my job sucked ass, I found the jobs that were out there sounded even worse. I'm actually going to do a series of blog posts on all the shitty jobs I've held. Love your blog! I'm adding it to my bloglovin' page. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you!!! (All around! :)) - And you hit the nail on the head! I'm convinced a piece of me dies every day I show up, yet the world outside these fuzzy cubicle walls looks even more dreary! If that's not enough motivation to spike my coffee....hehe....So great on the shitty-job-wall-of-shame! haha! I can't wait to read those! Thanks, again, for visiting! You made my day, Miss! :)

    ReplyDelete

Kitty

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Toning Down The 'Ol Personality.... When The Dial Goes To 11

Interview Tip #7: "Chances are they're looking for an office "bad boy" or "bad girl".  Show up late, knock everything off your interviewer's desk and say you need a dollar for the candy machine in the lobby."

They say the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. As mine is about as stable as a certain evening on May 6, 1937 aboard the Hindenburg, I've been dusting off the 'ol resume and weeping softly at the terrible lack of prospects. Nonetheless, I'm facing a bigger feat - NOT being QUITE so... well... *cough*... ME. Now why on earth would I want to tone down my personality beyond hearing that constructive advice from my spouse, one or two neighbors and our mailman? As I was poking about various trusty resume templates, I happened upon one that, although I'm sure was meant in complete jest, SPOKE TO ME. "The Resume of Awesomeness". No shit. It literally had a giant block letter watermark spelling out "AWESOME" across the entire page with little clip-art fireworks. Brilliance! Hey - what better way to stand out among a sea of far more qualified applicants, than with a bit of subliminal bedazzling? This led my train of though to derail delightfully off into a world where I could actually give full disclosure and still elude a restraining order. Although that grain alcohol I ingested only moments prior may have played a role in these fanciful dreams, I'm still not convinced they're unreasonable.

So here's what I'm working with:
  • Likes long walks on the beach, cheating on the NY Times crossword, listening to Beethoven symphonies as played on Caribbean steel drums and ingesting "Family Size" packages of Starbursts while sobbing under my desk.
  • Freakishly friendly, bordering on flirtatious to mask unreasonable fears of social situations and the public, in general.
  • Impressive upper body strength, although the only known application of such to date was displaying She-Ra abilities during an ocean kayaking tour well over a year ago.
  • Have you ever noticed Betty Boop's head is the shape of a piece of toast? ... Sorry - *ahem*: Easily Distracted Multi Tasking QUEEN
  • Obnoxiously enthusiastic about data entry so long as it's accomplished in some dark basement office with no access to a phone.
So, yeah... I'd like to think I'm some deity's gift to worker bees. How does one go about highlighting all these delectable attributes making sure to clear the vast hurdles of buzzword-seeking-HR-software? Until I discover the answer to all of this, I'm ramping up on multiple sweepstakes entries. HA! There's another bullet point! "Always has a Plan B!" BOOYAH!

Alas, it seems I'm simply too damn special to waste my plethora of talents doing anything all that useful. Still - such a shame to remain camped out in this cave until the first signs of Spring. Anyone up for Skeeball?

2 comments:

  1. Ughhh...good luck! Before I got laid.............off I tried looking for jobs too. And even though my job sucked ass, I found the jobs that were out there sounded even worse. I'm actually going to do a series of blog posts on all the shitty jobs I've held. Love your blog! I'm adding it to my bloglovin' page. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you!!! (All around! :)) - And you hit the nail on the head! I'm convinced a piece of me dies every day I show up, yet the world outside these fuzzy cubicle walls looks even more dreary! If that's not enough motivation to spike my coffee....hehe....So great on the shitty-job-wall-of-shame! haha! I can't wait to read those! Thanks, again, for visiting! You made my day, Miss! :)

    ReplyDelete