They say the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. As mine is about as stable as a certain evening on May 6, 1937 aboard the Hindenburg, I've been dusting off the 'ol resume and weeping softly at the terrible lack of prospects. Nonetheless, I'm facing a bigger feat - NOT being QUITE so... well... *cough*... ME. Now why on earth would I want to tone down my personality beyond hearing that constructive advice from my spouse, one or two neighbors and our mailman? As I was poking about various trusty resume templates, I happened upon one that, although I'm sure was meant in complete jest, SPOKE TO ME. "The Resume of Awesomeness". No shit. It literally had a giant block letter watermark spelling out "AWESOME" across the entire page with little clip-art fireworks. Brilliance! Hey - what better way to stand out among a sea of far more qualified applicants, than with a bit of subliminal bedazzling? This led my train of though to derail delightfully off into a world where I could actually give full disclosure and still elude a restraining order. Although that grain alcohol I ingested only moments prior may have played a role in these fanciful dreams, I'm still not convinced they're unreasonable.
So here's what I'm working with:
- Likes long walks on the beach, cheating on the NY Times crossword, listening to Beethoven symphonies as played on Caribbean steel drums and ingesting "Family Size" packages of Starbursts while sobbing under my desk.
- Freakishly friendly, bordering on flirtatious to mask unreasonable fears of social situations and the public, in general.
- Impressive upper body strength, although the only known application of such to date was displaying She-Ra abilities during an ocean kayaking tour well over a year ago.
- Have you ever noticed Betty Boop's head is the shape of a piece of toast? ... Sorry - *ahem*:
Easily DistractedMulti Tasking QUEEN
- Obnoxiously enthusiastic about data entry so long as it's accomplished in some dark basement office with no access to a phone.
Alas, it seems I'm simply too damn special to waste my plethora of talents doing anything all that useful. Still - such a shame to remain camped out in this cave until the first signs of Spring. Anyone up for Skeeball?