Hey Mister! Got Change For Two Cents?

 "While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much."

The notion that I'm increasingly cranky with age is not lost on me. I'm learning to embrace it and even take delight in it. I'm also noticing that, with each passing day in my current job, I'm increasingly creative when it comes to get-rich-quick schemes. Just about every hair-brained idea to pop into my skull is considered at great length with respect to potential marketability. Let me tell you, this can be vastly entertaining!

Some time back, the trend du jour was "branding" within my company. A consulting firm was promptly hired to fabricate buzz words, design fancy signage and engage the masses with team-building frivilocity. To those few of us with an ounce of common sense, it was a glorious waste of time. Then I happened upon the firm's invoice.........Sweet-mother-of-god........

An idea was born. By George, I would start a sham-seminar business! Lure in unsuspecting fools looking to boost morale with shimmery imagery and nonsensical catch-phrases. Hell, I could do that in my sleep and retire early! Still, it seemed somehow wrong. Unethical or impractical. Sure enough, as the economy rode that Coriolis Effect wave down the toilet, employers no longer gave much a damn about employee morale. It was all about the bottom line and securing golden parachutes for the bottom feeders.

Round two: Opportunity rang the 'ol doorbell in the form of one of those liquor-serving golf-carts... Only, the delicious spin would be in luring borderline alcoholics working in the sprawling business campus on this side of town. No longer would they have to worry about being spotted at the bar abusing the free wireless. They could simply slip out those revolving doors to greet me on my covert little cart of magical wonders. An ice cream truck for lushes! Turns out, you have to have some sort of elaborate, yet sound business plan to procure a liquor license in the first place. Plus the cops around here are no stranger to entrapment.

Naturally I keep abreast of local, national and borderline-black-market lotto and sweepstakes goings on, just to remain well rounded. I also routinely issue stern reminders to Publisher's Clearing House that our friendship is on hold. Still.... just about anything has got to better than this, yes?

So yesterday, as I was lamenting the total lack of interested investors in my frazzled writings it occurred to me that I have opinions. Lots of them. Perhaps thousands. I imagined my talents are most certainly wasted on the likes of my employer as most of the execs are nonplussed to hear my inner-most thoughts. An advice column! That's it! My friend and coworker graciously reminded me I don't generally give out GOOD advice. Hey, I didn't say it was going to be a HELPFUL advice column. Simply an advice column.

You have a problem? I most likely have something to say about it. Seems brilliant enough, no? So far as I can tell, Ann Landers never had any particularly earth-shattering replies for the poor saps who fueled her weekly posts. And look at Andy Rooney! That old grump just yammered angrily at the camera for the better part of his career. I can do that! In fact, I'll see his surliness and raise him some severely derailed trains of thought! BAM! Now, I just need to locate the proper outlet, rant and rave by day and roll about in wads of cash by night. Wait, scratch that last part.... I worked in a bank long enough to recall how bloody filthy cash can be. In lieu of that, I'll print out my bank statements on archive-grade 24lb paper and roll about on that.

You know, I'm pretty damn proud of myself for thinking to write this down. Given my mental issues, I would otherwise be prone to blink and forget all of this. Anyhoo - turns out I'm not just getting more cranky with age, I'm becoming ever more awesome! Just sayin'. *grin*

8 comments:

  1. Hey Ninja, I want to hear more about this get rich quick thing. Is there something I can do to get some more information? A donation perhaps? A meeting at a Sheraton conference room?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Naturally, donations are always met with warm reception, but I have also reserved a spot at *strange voice-over masking the exact location for security reasons* for this evening! If you find you are unable to attend, simply send 3 cereal box-tops, $1, and a self-addressed stamped envelope (you can't be too careful with DNA these days) to "c/o NKE, P.O. Box 74358, Butte, Montana, 59702".

    ReplyDelete
  3. *snicker* I did, I did. Seems you enjoy miniature mesas as much as the next guy, yes? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. You should totally have an advice column. I have never figured out who actualy writes letters to Anne and Abby and whatever, BUT that doesn't stop me from reading them for laughs. Which brings me to this weekend, when I read Dear Prudence online. Someone wrote in to ask what she should do about the sex tape her little sister made with her boyfriend. Prudy's response was to get the tape and destroy it.

    Um, tape? What freaking decade are you in, Prudence? There are no tapes anymore.

    So, if she can give antiquated advice like that, you can definitely have your own column.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awww, Thanks for the vote of confidence, Vesta!

    Hahahah I love the sex tape story. My guess is the only people actually WRITING in for advice anymore (you know, as opposed to just Googling that shit or consulting WebMD) are the same chumps still doing seedy things on Beta tapes ;)! Hell, nowadays, those escapades would be live-streamed to YouTube and poor Prudence wouldn't have a chance to intercept matters with sage words!

    I used to work in a call center for one of those nifty invention catalogs. Most of my clientele consisted of those with Dementia or simply lonely "Current Residents" wanting someone to talk to or yell at. I was promoted 6 times in 3 years, so I rather think I was somehow cut out for that shit, no? :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Annie, an advice column, hell yes, I say! With your creative mind, you could give some awesome advice!

    Just think, if someone has a problem with a cheating significant other, you could tell them just how to "do away" with that cheating scoundrel! Or imagine the ways you could "advise" people on excuses to get out of work for the day!

    Oh my, the possibilities are endless! And I can't wait to hear some! **giggling**

    ((You))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Pamela, My Sweet, the wheels are turning with frightful speed! I really think maybe I should...well... take myself up on my own offer! HA!

    You had me spewing coffee out of my nose with mentions of addressing cheating spouses! Can I just tell you how much I love that my reputation clearly precedes me!? I always wanted to be a tough ass, and that may be just the way to get my "street cred" back on the radar *grins*

    Hugs right back atcha, Love, and hopefully I'll do you proud! :D

    ReplyDelete

Kitty

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hey Mister! Got Change For Two Cents?

 "While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much."

The notion that I'm increasingly cranky with age is not lost on me. I'm learning to embrace it and even take delight in it. I'm also noticing that, with each passing day in my current job, I'm increasingly creative when it comes to get-rich-quick schemes. Just about every hair-brained idea to pop into my skull is considered at great length with respect to potential marketability. Let me tell you, this can be vastly entertaining!

Some time back, the trend du jour was "branding" within my company. A consulting firm was promptly hired to fabricate buzz words, design fancy signage and engage the masses with team-building frivilocity. To those few of us with an ounce of common sense, it was a glorious waste of time. Then I happened upon the firm's invoice.........Sweet-mother-of-god........

An idea was born. By George, I would start a sham-seminar business! Lure in unsuspecting fools looking to boost morale with shimmery imagery and nonsensical catch-phrases. Hell, I could do that in my sleep and retire early! Still, it seemed somehow wrong. Unethical or impractical. Sure enough, as the economy rode that Coriolis Effect wave down the toilet, employers no longer gave much a damn about employee morale. It was all about the bottom line and securing golden parachutes for the bottom feeders.

Round two: Opportunity rang the 'ol doorbell in the form of one of those liquor-serving golf-carts... Only, the delicious spin would be in luring borderline alcoholics working in the sprawling business campus on this side of town. No longer would they have to worry about being spotted at the bar abusing the free wireless. They could simply slip out those revolving doors to greet me on my covert little cart of magical wonders. An ice cream truck for lushes! Turns out, you have to have some sort of elaborate, yet sound business plan to procure a liquor license in the first place. Plus the cops around here are no stranger to entrapment.

Naturally I keep abreast of local, national and borderline-black-market lotto and sweepstakes goings on, just to remain well rounded. I also routinely issue stern reminders to Publisher's Clearing House that our friendship is on hold. Still.... just about anything has got to better than this, yes?

So yesterday, as I was lamenting the total lack of interested investors in my frazzled writings it occurred to me that I have opinions. Lots of them. Perhaps thousands. I imagined my talents are most certainly wasted on the likes of my employer as most of the execs are nonplussed to hear my inner-most thoughts. An advice column! That's it! My friend and coworker graciously reminded me I don't generally give out GOOD advice. Hey, I didn't say it was going to be a HELPFUL advice column. Simply an advice column.

You have a problem? I most likely have something to say about it. Seems brilliant enough, no? So far as I can tell, Ann Landers never had any particularly earth-shattering replies for the poor saps who fueled her weekly posts. And look at Andy Rooney! That old grump just yammered angrily at the camera for the better part of his career. I can do that! In fact, I'll see his surliness and raise him some severely derailed trains of thought! BAM! Now, I just need to locate the proper outlet, rant and rave by day and roll about in wads of cash by night. Wait, scratch that last part.... I worked in a bank long enough to recall how bloody filthy cash can be. In lieu of that, I'll print out my bank statements on archive-grade 24lb paper and roll about on that.

You know, I'm pretty damn proud of myself for thinking to write this down. Given my mental issues, I would otherwise be prone to blink and forget all of this. Anyhoo - turns out I'm not just getting more cranky with age, I'm becoming ever more awesome! Just sayin'. *grin*

8 comments:

  1. Hey Ninja, I want to hear more about this get rich quick thing. Is there something I can do to get some more information? A donation perhaps? A meeting at a Sheraton conference room?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Naturally, donations are always met with warm reception, but I have also reserved a spot at *strange voice-over masking the exact location for security reasons* for this evening! If you find you are unable to attend, simply send 3 cereal box-tops, $1, and a self-addressed stamped envelope (you can't be too careful with DNA these days) to "c/o NKE, P.O. Box 74358, Butte, Montana, 59702".

    ReplyDelete
  3. *snicker* I did, I did. Seems you enjoy miniature mesas as much as the next guy, yes? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. You should totally have an advice column. I have never figured out who actualy writes letters to Anne and Abby and whatever, BUT that doesn't stop me from reading them for laughs. Which brings me to this weekend, when I read Dear Prudence online. Someone wrote in to ask what she should do about the sex tape her little sister made with her boyfriend. Prudy's response was to get the tape and destroy it.

    Um, tape? What freaking decade are you in, Prudence? There are no tapes anymore.

    So, if she can give antiquated advice like that, you can definitely have your own column.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awww, Thanks for the vote of confidence, Vesta!

    Hahahah I love the sex tape story. My guess is the only people actually WRITING in for advice anymore (you know, as opposed to just Googling that shit or consulting WebMD) are the same chumps still doing seedy things on Beta tapes ;)! Hell, nowadays, those escapades would be live-streamed to YouTube and poor Prudence wouldn't have a chance to intercept matters with sage words!

    I used to work in a call center for one of those nifty invention catalogs. Most of my clientele consisted of those with Dementia or simply lonely "Current Residents" wanting someone to talk to or yell at. I was promoted 6 times in 3 years, so I rather think I was somehow cut out for that shit, no? :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Annie, an advice column, hell yes, I say! With your creative mind, you could give some awesome advice!

    Just think, if someone has a problem with a cheating significant other, you could tell them just how to "do away" with that cheating scoundrel! Or imagine the ways you could "advise" people on excuses to get out of work for the day!

    Oh my, the possibilities are endless! And I can't wait to hear some! **giggling**

    ((You))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Pamela, My Sweet, the wheels are turning with frightful speed! I really think maybe I should...well... take myself up on my own offer! HA!

    You had me spewing coffee out of my nose with mentions of addressing cheating spouses! Can I just tell you how much I love that my reputation clearly precedes me!? I always wanted to be a tough ass, and that may be just the way to get my "street cred" back on the radar *grins*

    Hugs right back atcha, Love, and hopefully I'll do you proud! :D

    ReplyDelete