Yes, I Need To Cancel My Subscription

"This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep."

You know what I hate? "No, Annie, please tell me." I appreciate your enthusiasm so I'll tell you:  The feeling of being left behind. Scratch that.... No less than TWO STEPS behind (and even that is a rather generous calculation).

This little gem of self pity can be traced back to the 2nd grade. My best friend in the whole wide world at that time was a certain Tracy G. I'm quite convinced I had no true concept of "friendship" back then, but I'll be damned if it wasn't the closest thing to it. We did everything together. This basically meant our parents would begrudgingly agree to one play-date every two months or so and the rest of the time was spent hanging out at recess. Kindred spirits, right? One day she walks in the door and it's clear she'd been crying (Probably not, but that's how I choose to remember it). She tells me her dad has a new job and they'll be moving to Hawaii the following week.

Naturally, I play through the absurd logistics of all of this. After all, my 7 year old self was well aware of the time required to pack, find a new home, ship all one's belongings/animals and get the entire family flown out there. Why, she would have known about this for WEEKS!!!!!! I can recall sobbing whilst babbling incoherently to my mother about the injustice of it all. Some obligatory "there, there"'s were uttered and beyond that, I was advised I'd probably feel better if I went outside and watered the plants (Suspiciously enough, that was my mother's answer for any and all ailments).

It took a good weekend to get over this trauma. Although my, my, those raspberry bushes certainly appreciated the new-found attention!

Miss Tracy G. was the first friend to abandon me, but she would be anything but the last. Sure, there was always a seemingly legitimate excuse behind it, but this knowledge didn't seem to lessen the sting. Even the sudden and thriving jungle in our backyard did little to soothe the grief. I was surely the common-denominator in the equation and I did not like that one bit! (On a side note, I was beginning to question my parents' clear lack of ambition in securing a work relocation.....)

Now that I'm older and wiser... OK, perhaps just older - one can hardly argue that! HA!.... These abandonment issues have webbed off into a full blown subscription. I peer through the humble window in my cave only to watch the world passing me by with little to no regard for leaving me in the dust. The more fear I exhibit towards progression, the more I cling for dear life to familiarity. I can hardly blame those who throw caution to the wind, know what they want and have something to offer.... wait... sure I can! But I won't. It's no one's issue (or subscription) but my own to tackle. And tackle it, I shall.

Today I received a phone call about a job I applied for but found I couldn't afford to accept. It additionally requires a commute I'm afraid to take on. I'm afraid to be that far away from my boys, from my husband... My comfort zone. The gentleman on the other end of the line insists the job was tailored just for me. I'm the only one he can fathom hiring. As I type, he is negotiating my salary. He is additionally working towards compensating the commute. Let me be clear that I do not have a degree or the "normal" skills required for such a position... Yet here is this stranger who will not allow my fears to prevent me from taking that step. Now what's my excuse?

I come up empty.

I wonder what Tracy G. is doing these days? Seems a waste of perfectly usable time pondering such things when that Greyhound bus destined towards my future is idling on my doorstep, no?










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Kitty

Monday, April 23, 2012

Yes, I Need To Cancel My Subscription

"This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep."

You know what I hate? "No, Annie, please tell me." I appreciate your enthusiasm so I'll tell you:  The feeling of being left behind. Scratch that.... No less than TWO STEPS behind (and even that is a rather generous calculation).

This little gem of self pity can be traced back to the 2nd grade. My best friend in the whole wide world at that time was a certain Tracy G. I'm quite convinced I had no true concept of "friendship" back then, but I'll be damned if it wasn't the closest thing to it. We did everything together. This basically meant our parents would begrudgingly agree to one play-date every two months or so and the rest of the time was spent hanging out at recess. Kindred spirits, right? One day she walks in the door and it's clear she'd been crying (Probably not, but that's how I choose to remember it). She tells me her dad has a new job and they'll be moving to Hawaii the following week.

Naturally, I play through the absurd logistics of all of this. After all, my 7 year old self was well aware of the time required to pack, find a new home, ship all one's belongings/animals and get the entire family flown out there. Why, she would have known about this for WEEKS!!!!!! I can recall sobbing whilst babbling incoherently to my mother about the injustice of it all. Some obligatory "there, there"'s were uttered and beyond that, I was advised I'd probably feel better if I went outside and watered the plants (Suspiciously enough, that was my mother's answer for any and all ailments).

It took a good weekend to get over this trauma. Although my, my, those raspberry bushes certainly appreciated the new-found attention!

Miss Tracy G. was the first friend to abandon me, but she would be anything but the last. Sure, there was always a seemingly legitimate excuse behind it, but this knowledge didn't seem to lessen the sting. Even the sudden and thriving jungle in our backyard did little to soothe the grief. I was surely the common-denominator in the equation and I did not like that one bit! (On a side note, I was beginning to question my parents' clear lack of ambition in securing a work relocation.....)

Now that I'm older and wiser... OK, perhaps just older - one can hardly argue that! HA!.... These abandonment issues have webbed off into a full blown subscription. I peer through the humble window in my cave only to watch the world passing me by with little to no regard for leaving me in the dust. The more fear I exhibit towards progression, the more I cling for dear life to familiarity. I can hardly blame those who throw caution to the wind, know what they want and have something to offer.... wait... sure I can! But I won't. It's no one's issue (or subscription) but my own to tackle. And tackle it, I shall.

Today I received a phone call about a job I applied for but found I couldn't afford to accept. It additionally requires a commute I'm afraid to take on. I'm afraid to be that far away from my boys, from my husband... My comfort zone. The gentleman on the other end of the line insists the job was tailored just for me. I'm the only one he can fathom hiring. As I type, he is negotiating my salary. He is additionally working towards compensating the commute. Let me be clear that I do not have a degree or the "normal" skills required for such a position... Yet here is this stranger who will not allow my fears to prevent me from taking that step. Now what's my excuse?

I come up empty.

I wonder what Tracy G. is doing these days? Seems a waste of perfectly usable time pondering such things when that Greyhound bus destined towards my future is idling on my doorstep, no?










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