Yes... Well... Carry On, Then.

"This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train."


The events of the past 3 weeks don't feel quite real and the parts I'm CONVINCED are real, truly are better left to the imaginary... Last Thursday, a crock pot full of bubbling angst boiled over in the form of telling the president of our company JUST what I think of him. It was awkward, to say the least. Funny thing is, when it comes to my work persona, there is clearly some sort of gauge preventing a discernible outburst to the naked eye. At home, one can more readily guess my mood based on the foul language, shrieking, wild gestures and throwing of harmless objects about my war-path (I'd throw things that shatter dramatically, but that would result in having to clean it all up while feeling like a supreme delta bravo). But at work? The only witness to my tantrum noted I "didn't smile as much as usual", hence she could sense I was enraged. A modest smirk = full blown outrage. Must be basic survival instinct at play, there. 


Not smiling "as much as usual" that fateful afternoon set the stage into what would become a curious weekend free of the burdens of bottled-up stress. I even avoided visible embarrassment at having accidentally dyed my hair seafoam green (Not entirely what I was going for). Things just seemed altogether more trivial. Whimsical, even. This all seems rooted in worrying less about keeping up appearances and just being who I am. That's a tough thing for someone like me. I have always had a silly little habit of morphing into various versions of myself based on the audience. Almost 34 years into this game, it's a feat getting back to ground zero. Locating the authentic creature first borne of that mold. 


Surely, most everyone does this to an extent... Finds all those compromises along the journey beginning to chip away at the prototype? Or perhaps not. 


I've been struggling to overcome writer's block for awhile now. Struggling to find what drives me or what I feel like discussing in absurd detail. The thing is, this entire collection of ramblings come closest to the naked, uninhibited creature I am. As many "bloggers" out there well know, there becomes an odd pressure to be better, be noticed, be great. For those with the time to do so, an audience is amassed by constantly nurturing their brand into something marketable, profitable, accessible and wonderful. But for some of us, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Not enough energy, motivation, ambition or need. And perhaps the end we found ourselves drowning in the means to achieve wasn't the desired end after all. 


The more I found myself trying to "put myself out there", the less I had to say. There was an accompanying stage fright in fearing utter failure. I'm not as witty as 99% of the blogs I follow. I don't have an endless stream of hilarious anecdotes or experiences. Those pesky "stats" would fly off the charts when I'd take the bait of some well-known author's prompts, then drop off the radar hastily after. At the end of the day, I don't lead a particularly thrilling life. It's not delightfully mundane or even deliciously mediocre. Just scattered bits of this and that. And that's OK. 


Quite some time back, I mentioned the book my father gave to me as a means of illustrating how to contain my natural impulse of annoying gab. When given the chance, I'm quite prone to drone on and on about anything and everything. I may find it exhilarating as my mind darts from one subject to another. On the receiving end, I can only imagine how segmented and odd it all comes across. I'm learning to tame that. Maybe not so much to tone it down, but at least to find a more productive outlet for it all. This is that outlet. I've been slowly learning to embrace the wit and brilliance of others without watching my own self worth diminish. I've also been learning to release the shame inherent with hiding these words from many of those most dear. You see, my family doesn't know this exists. I needed to find safety for even the most repugnant of thoughts. That's OK too. 


Achieving the ultimate balance between my innermost thoughts and the trust placed with those I know eludes me. I look very forward to the day things just seem to fall into place. It begins with being more honest, both with myself and others. I'm not there yet, but I haven't given up. Today, I slip off my shoes in the first step towards full exposure. 











3 comments:

  1. This is the kind of blogging I fall for: the intense, personal, vulnerable laying out of a person, inside first.

    I'll take care as I read, because I know this is your soul bared to us all. And that takes guts to do.

    More than you give yourself credit for.

    That is something stats and witty recountings of life cannot get you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Annie, first, I just want to hug ((you)). Your emotions come out in your writing. The raw, real emotions--and I feel them. So, while you are worrying that you aren't witty or that you're boring (I happen to think you have wit and you are hardly boring!) you're missing the fact that you have the ability to connect with your readers on a very deep level.

    I have writer’s block too. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I don’t have as much confidence in myself as I should have. Oh, I’ve come a long way, but I’m not there 100% yet. I need to keep working on it.

    Just as you need to slip off your shoes and take that first step, which will lead to the second and the third...

    One day at a time, my dear friend, one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Alexandra - So extraordinarily grateful for the care exhibited towards my fragility. So grateful for having met you. It is a strange and foreign beast to me, letting down those walls. There is also an accompanying sense of relief...An increasing sense that vulnerability is not, in itself, weakness. Thank you, Sweetness. Thank you for your words and for entering my life as this illustrious and inspiring presence! xo

    @Pamela - I would adore that hug. Too many years fighting to keep a distance from the world I was convinced was out to destroy me. Day by day I recognize that is very rarely the intent. Not the rule. Only the exception. Once again, I'm in awe of the kindness which exists, particularly in my precious readers. No. Friends. Thank you, Love. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for your gift of words. xo

    ReplyDelete

Kitty

Monday, April 2, 2012

Yes... Well... Carry On, Then.

"This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train."


The events of the past 3 weeks don't feel quite real and the parts I'm CONVINCED are real, truly are better left to the imaginary... Last Thursday, a crock pot full of bubbling angst boiled over in the form of telling the president of our company JUST what I think of him. It was awkward, to say the least. Funny thing is, when it comes to my work persona, there is clearly some sort of gauge preventing a discernible outburst to the naked eye. At home, one can more readily guess my mood based on the foul language, shrieking, wild gestures and throwing of harmless objects about my war-path (I'd throw things that shatter dramatically, but that would result in having to clean it all up while feeling like a supreme delta bravo). But at work? The only witness to my tantrum noted I "didn't smile as much as usual", hence she could sense I was enraged. A modest smirk = full blown outrage. Must be basic survival instinct at play, there. 


Not smiling "as much as usual" that fateful afternoon set the stage into what would become a curious weekend free of the burdens of bottled-up stress. I even avoided visible embarrassment at having accidentally dyed my hair seafoam green (Not entirely what I was going for). Things just seemed altogether more trivial. Whimsical, even. This all seems rooted in worrying less about keeping up appearances and just being who I am. That's a tough thing for someone like me. I have always had a silly little habit of morphing into various versions of myself based on the audience. Almost 34 years into this game, it's a feat getting back to ground zero. Locating the authentic creature first borne of that mold. 


Surely, most everyone does this to an extent... Finds all those compromises along the journey beginning to chip away at the prototype? Or perhaps not. 


I've been struggling to overcome writer's block for awhile now. Struggling to find what drives me or what I feel like discussing in absurd detail. The thing is, this entire collection of ramblings come closest to the naked, uninhibited creature I am. As many "bloggers" out there well know, there becomes an odd pressure to be better, be noticed, be great. For those with the time to do so, an audience is amassed by constantly nurturing their brand into something marketable, profitable, accessible and wonderful. But for some of us, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Not enough energy, motivation, ambition or need. And perhaps the end we found ourselves drowning in the means to achieve wasn't the desired end after all. 


The more I found myself trying to "put myself out there", the less I had to say. There was an accompanying stage fright in fearing utter failure. I'm not as witty as 99% of the blogs I follow. I don't have an endless stream of hilarious anecdotes or experiences. Those pesky "stats" would fly off the charts when I'd take the bait of some well-known author's prompts, then drop off the radar hastily after. At the end of the day, I don't lead a particularly thrilling life. It's not delightfully mundane or even deliciously mediocre. Just scattered bits of this and that. And that's OK. 


Quite some time back, I mentioned the book my father gave to me as a means of illustrating how to contain my natural impulse of annoying gab. When given the chance, I'm quite prone to drone on and on about anything and everything. I may find it exhilarating as my mind darts from one subject to another. On the receiving end, I can only imagine how segmented and odd it all comes across. I'm learning to tame that. Maybe not so much to tone it down, but at least to find a more productive outlet for it all. This is that outlet. I've been slowly learning to embrace the wit and brilliance of others without watching my own self worth diminish. I've also been learning to release the shame inherent with hiding these words from many of those most dear. You see, my family doesn't know this exists. I needed to find safety for even the most repugnant of thoughts. That's OK too. 


Achieving the ultimate balance between my innermost thoughts and the trust placed with those I know eludes me. I look very forward to the day things just seem to fall into place. It begins with being more honest, both with myself and others. I'm not there yet, but I haven't given up. Today, I slip off my shoes in the first step towards full exposure. 











3 comments:

  1. This is the kind of blogging I fall for: the intense, personal, vulnerable laying out of a person, inside first.

    I'll take care as I read, because I know this is your soul bared to us all. And that takes guts to do.

    More than you give yourself credit for.

    That is something stats and witty recountings of life cannot get you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Annie, first, I just want to hug ((you)). Your emotions come out in your writing. The raw, real emotions--and I feel them. So, while you are worrying that you aren't witty or that you're boring (I happen to think you have wit and you are hardly boring!) you're missing the fact that you have the ability to connect with your readers on a very deep level.

    I have writer’s block too. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I don’t have as much confidence in myself as I should have. Oh, I’ve come a long way, but I’m not there 100% yet. I need to keep working on it.

    Just as you need to slip off your shoes and take that first step, which will lead to the second and the third...

    One day at a time, my dear friend, one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Alexandra - So extraordinarily grateful for the care exhibited towards my fragility. So grateful for having met you. It is a strange and foreign beast to me, letting down those walls. There is also an accompanying sense of relief...An increasing sense that vulnerability is not, in itself, weakness. Thank you, Sweetness. Thank you for your words and for entering my life as this illustrious and inspiring presence! xo

    @Pamela - I would adore that hug. Too many years fighting to keep a distance from the world I was convinced was out to destroy me. Day by day I recognize that is very rarely the intent. Not the rule. Only the exception. Once again, I'm in awe of the kindness which exists, particularly in my precious readers. No. Friends. Thank you, Love. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for your gift of words. xo

    ReplyDelete