Second Verse, Worse Than The First?

"You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time." 

It's no secret I'm a smoker. Wait, that's a lie - my mom has no bloody clue. What's funny about that is I fully believe she CHOOSES to have no bloody clue about that. She lives out of state and we generally only see each other once, maybe twice a year. During those visits, I'm respectful as possible not smoking while around her, but she HAS to smell it, right? I mean, my deep, "sexy" voice isn't exactly NATURAL.... I'm getting WAY off tangent, here. But she's in town on Tuesday so I guess that's on my mind. I'll circle back to open that can of worms later. The initial point was that there are only a handful of us bastard children who actually smoke at my place of employment. The newest member of the group happens to also be my new boss, who began last Monday. A quick bit of back-story there - I first met this amaze-balls lady almost 2 years back when she was my direct-contact consultant on a software conversion. We got along famously and I rather felt we made a good team. 

So fast forward two years and I find she has applied to take the place of the fraud who was kicked out on a federal indictment (no shit - it's a bloody carnival around here most days). Being exceedingly excitable about the prospect, I put in a good word and my accompanying two cents to anyone who would give me the time of day. This included more random strangers on the street than people who had any influence over the decision, but that's beside the point. She's here now, and she's as brilliantly awesome as I remember. 

Now here's where things get obtuse. She is a very honest sort of creature. She has no patience for bullshit, stands up for us little people, knows her stuff and her filter was clearly surgically removed, so she has my utmost respect. I'm not guessing that feeling is entirely reciprocated. There have been some off-the-cuff comments here and there which really make me curious as to what she thinks of me the second go 'round. I honestly believe she'd take a bullet for me, so in that sort of relationship, there is a bit more censoring/restraint than might be exercised with others. The two examples I shall present frankly have me perplexed:
WTF?
Exhibit A: In perusing for office supplies, she comes across a tape dispenser in the shape of a stiletto. Obviously that's whimsical enough, no? But the first words out of her mouth: "Jesus Christ, that looks like something Annie needs! In fact, I'm shocked she doesn't already have one!" Look at me, Pets.... wait, that doesn't really work in this whole blogging thing, does it? Anyway, I'm a hot mess. I don't believe I come off as some pretentious princess or high maintenance bitch. My hair is "fresh-off-a-motorcycle-lesbian-chic" at its best, and my clothes could easily place me at the scene of Rainbow Brite's murder.... with perhaps a flash of gypsy pizazz for flavor. I don't personally see anything wrong with any of that... but the stiletto tape dispenser? I may as well only write in hot-pink-cotton-candy-smelling-glitter-gel pens. I'm not sure why I'm over-thinking this so much, except for the fact that I pretty well over-think EVERYTHING. Hmmm.... What I'm saying is I don't think I come off as a girly girl sort of shoe whore or anything even close (says the broad who just got her 3rd unsolicited spam email from a shoe retailer). If one had to label me, I'd sooner expect a knee-jerk answer like "Vagabond". All around, not a big deal. Perhaps it was meant as a compliment? 

Exhibit B: So 4 of us heathens are downstairs smoking..... outside.... should probably clarify that since the files in our office are already begging a visit from the local Fire Department. The subject comes up regarding raising bulls from babies and how they were destined to be slaughtered so one mustn't get too attached or, god forbid, NAME THEM. I start chuckling remembering a recent episode of Duck Dynasty. I didn't even get past spitting the name of the show out when my boss exclaims "Holy Shit, I was just thinking the other day about who in their right goddamned mind would watch that show and then, thought to myself, ANNIE! She would TOTALLY watch that shit!" OK, for those of you who haven't seen this show - it is seriously entertainment at its FINEST!!!! I saw a clip from the show on The Soup and I was utterly hooked! But let's back up the trolley a moment.... Why would the absurdity of that show scream "ANNIE"? What does that mean? Come on, it's family-friendly(ish) entertainment for everyone, no?  (And it REALLY is entertaining.... if you haven't seen it, might I suggest you take that plunge? *smile*) Once again... perhaps it was meant as a compliment? 

Look, I'm well aware I have skin as thick as a wet Kleenex and I'm totally prone to assume any remark is meant poorly, but I'm genuinely curious what the hell air I'm putting off!? These two bits of evidence are only a small sampling of the bizarre mix of remarks in a mere week. I'm thinking I would be well served to play all of this up. Bluntly put: to not disappoint. If nothing else, it'll offer up a bit of tension relief in an otherwise dreary mess of a place! Let the games begin! 


Restless Natives And The Martians Who Fear Them

"You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you."

Glorious hilarity is abound these days and it all has made me question whether I have the time or energy to continue writing. For now, it seems the last few sentences are indicative of a response to that. Some days, I'm honestly dazzled by Corporate America. I'm dazzled by the disconnect between the haves and the have nots. I won't even go into morbid detail about the distribution of workload there. What's most delicious is that, perhaps for once, this is not to be a full blown rant about my own dissatisfaction. Rather, the stars have aligned and made one of my wildest dreams come true.

In numerous situations, I have been reduced to taking mental delight in the image of sitting in the front row seat avec a bucket of popcorn when Karma comes a-knockin'. (By the by - "avec" is French for "with", not my version of the abbreviated form of "avocado", MATT! Way to order a f*cked up sandwich based on your complete lack of knowledge of common french words!...Not to mention clearly misspelling "avocado"! :) ) Well, Pets, it seems the day has come for precisely that scenario to unfold. As it would happen, I even have popcorn! Woot!

An individual, who is welcome to remain nameless, is in the midst of her comeuppance. In fact, the cherry on top is that the entire upper echelon has suddenly come to a realization they must begin paying attention to reality in order to prevent mutiny. It's one of those times where you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all while watching fish flail out of water. Seems cruel of me to say. I'm sure I'm additionally unwittingly throwing myself on PETA's radar (yet again). The reality of the situation is simply that it is deserved. You can only treat people with such complete disrespect and unbridled hatred for so long before you find yourself in a position to answer for such actions. It is small-scale justice and it's downright divine!

Mmmmm! Tastes just like the movie theater kind! Cheers, Pets. I wish you all a magically extraordinary Wednesday!




Kitty

Friday, May 4, 2012

Second Verse, Worse Than The First?

"You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time." 

It's no secret I'm a smoker. Wait, that's a lie - my mom has no bloody clue. What's funny about that is I fully believe she CHOOSES to have no bloody clue about that. She lives out of state and we generally only see each other once, maybe twice a year. During those visits, I'm respectful as possible not smoking while around her, but she HAS to smell it, right? I mean, my deep, "sexy" voice isn't exactly NATURAL.... I'm getting WAY off tangent, here. But she's in town on Tuesday so I guess that's on my mind. I'll circle back to open that can of worms later. The initial point was that there are only a handful of us bastard children who actually smoke at my place of employment. The newest member of the group happens to also be my new boss, who began last Monday. A quick bit of back-story there - I first met this amaze-balls lady almost 2 years back when she was my direct-contact consultant on a software conversion. We got along famously and I rather felt we made a good team. 

So fast forward two years and I find she has applied to take the place of the fraud who was kicked out on a federal indictment (no shit - it's a bloody carnival around here most days). Being exceedingly excitable about the prospect, I put in a good word and my accompanying two cents to anyone who would give me the time of day. This included more random strangers on the street than people who had any influence over the decision, but that's beside the point. She's here now, and she's as brilliantly awesome as I remember. 

Now here's where things get obtuse. She is a very honest sort of creature. She has no patience for bullshit, stands up for us little people, knows her stuff and her filter was clearly surgically removed, so she has my utmost respect. I'm not guessing that feeling is entirely reciprocated. There have been some off-the-cuff comments here and there which really make me curious as to what she thinks of me the second go 'round. I honestly believe she'd take a bullet for me, so in that sort of relationship, there is a bit more censoring/restraint than might be exercised with others. The two examples I shall present frankly have me perplexed:
WTF?
Exhibit A: In perusing for office supplies, she comes across a tape dispenser in the shape of a stiletto. Obviously that's whimsical enough, no? But the first words out of her mouth: "Jesus Christ, that looks like something Annie needs! In fact, I'm shocked she doesn't already have one!" Look at me, Pets.... wait, that doesn't really work in this whole blogging thing, does it? Anyway, I'm a hot mess. I don't believe I come off as some pretentious princess or high maintenance bitch. My hair is "fresh-off-a-motorcycle-lesbian-chic" at its best, and my clothes could easily place me at the scene of Rainbow Brite's murder.... with perhaps a flash of gypsy pizazz for flavor. I don't personally see anything wrong with any of that... but the stiletto tape dispenser? I may as well only write in hot-pink-cotton-candy-smelling-glitter-gel pens. I'm not sure why I'm over-thinking this so much, except for the fact that I pretty well over-think EVERYTHING. Hmmm.... What I'm saying is I don't think I come off as a girly girl sort of shoe whore or anything even close (says the broad who just got her 3rd unsolicited spam email from a shoe retailer). If one had to label me, I'd sooner expect a knee-jerk answer like "Vagabond". All around, not a big deal. Perhaps it was meant as a compliment? 

Exhibit B: So 4 of us heathens are downstairs smoking..... outside.... should probably clarify that since the files in our office are already begging a visit from the local Fire Department. The subject comes up regarding raising bulls from babies and how they were destined to be slaughtered so one mustn't get too attached or, god forbid, NAME THEM. I start chuckling remembering a recent episode of Duck Dynasty. I didn't even get past spitting the name of the show out when my boss exclaims "Holy Shit, I was just thinking the other day about who in their right goddamned mind would watch that show and then, thought to myself, ANNIE! She would TOTALLY watch that shit!" OK, for those of you who haven't seen this show - it is seriously entertainment at its FINEST!!!! I saw a clip from the show on The Soup and I was utterly hooked! But let's back up the trolley a moment.... Why would the absurdity of that show scream "ANNIE"? What does that mean? Come on, it's family-friendly(ish) entertainment for everyone, no?  (And it REALLY is entertaining.... if you haven't seen it, might I suggest you take that plunge? *smile*) Once again... perhaps it was meant as a compliment? 

Look, I'm well aware I have skin as thick as a wet Kleenex and I'm totally prone to assume any remark is meant poorly, but I'm genuinely curious what the hell air I'm putting off!? These two bits of evidence are only a small sampling of the bizarre mix of remarks in a mere week. I'm thinking I would be well served to play all of this up. Bluntly put: to not disappoint. If nothing else, it'll offer up a bit of tension relief in an otherwise dreary mess of a place! Let the games begin! 


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Restless Natives And The Martians Who Fear Them

"You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you."

Glorious hilarity is abound these days and it all has made me question whether I have the time or energy to continue writing. For now, it seems the last few sentences are indicative of a response to that. Some days, I'm honestly dazzled by Corporate America. I'm dazzled by the disconnect between the haves and the have nots. I won't even go into morbid detail about the distribution of workload there. What's most delicious is that, perhaps for once, this is not to be a full blown rant about my own dissatisfaction. Rather, the stars have aligned and made one of my wildest dreams come true.

In numerous situations, I have been reduced to taking mental delight in the image of sitting in the front row seat avec a bucket of popcorn when Karma comes a-knockin'. (By the by - "avec" is French for "with", not my version of the abbreviated form of "avocado", MATT! Way to order a f*cked up sandwich based on your complete lack of knowledge of common french words!...Not to mention clearly misspelling "avocado"! :) ) Well, Pets, it seems the day has come for precisely that scenario to unfold. As it would happen, I even have popcorn! Woot!

An individual, who is welcome to remain nameless, is in the midst of her comeuppance. In fact, the cherry on top is that the entire upper echelon has suddenly come to a realization they must begin paying attention to reality in order to prevent mutiny. It's one of those times where you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all while watching fish flail out of water. Seems cruel of me to say. I'm sure I'm additionally unwittingly throwing myself on PETA's radar (yet again). The reality of the situation is simply that it is deserved. You can only treat people with such complete disrespect and unbridled hatred for so long before you find yourself in a position to answer for such actions. It is small-scale justice and it's downright divine!

Mmmmm! Tastes just like the movie theater kind! Cheers, Pets. I wish you all a magically extraordinary Wednesday!