When The 'Ol Train of Thought Suddenly Realizes It Is, In Fact, An Airplane.

"Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start."

As a strange and poorly planned directive came raining down upon us unsuspecting peons at work yesterday, I fully anticipate I'll have FAR too much time on my hands today. As it's also Friday, I don't take much issue with that. Today, anyway. Monday's another story.  

My mind has been all over the map these past few weeks so I can say with some degree of certainty, that this post will be entirely incoherent. And that's OK. It is mine, after all.

On a quick side tangent (Christ, Annie, you are barely a few sentences in and already a side tangent? SILENCE, PEANUT GALLERY!!!!) a couple of months back, we were forced to write our own performance reviews. Nothing new of note there, really, it's just one of those Corporate nuances. Anyhoo, as logic would dictate, I wrote my own review. My brain was somehow sending the signals which eventually traveled through my fingertips and recorded onto the screen before me. So fast forward a bit and I have a meeting with my boss to address the whole ordeal. The first words out of her mouth: "I must say, I really don't care for your writing style". Ouch. Funny thing is, to this day I'm not sure how to even fix that when my "style" was little more than what my mind dictated I write. There wasn't much style to it, per se.... but who the hell else's style would I have utilized? This would be, then, setting aside the fact that I don't write for a living (clearly). I simply stated what I accomplished this past year. Why would I be critiqued on my writing style? Ah well, one of those little mysteries in life, no?

Moving right along, I had applied for a job I REALLY wanted. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted. As luck would have it, I was selected to move forward into the process to a testing phase. Little did I know this would actually drag out over about 7 weeks. Each successive test, I was totally convinced I had bombed miserably. Each successive test gave way to yet another. My gut instincts were evidently on vacation. So the final test arrives and, well, let's just say it was nothing more significant than a personality test.

I failed.

Literally the ONE area of my life where I thought "Hey, I'm not too bad, this shouldn't be an issue." was the ONE area that barred me from continuing. Tough for a gal to not take all of this a bit personally. Thing is, I don't have to hear it from anyone else. Bad news. Of any sort. I'm there. We are all our own worst critics. Pushing all absurdities, injustice and judgment aside, at the end of the day, if you don't like what you see in the mirror..... or taking that a step further, what you perceive in your mind - you're the only one who can change that, right? This is nothing new. Yet funny how even reciting it over and over again in your head does nothing to make it all QUITE sink in. Sometimes the off-color comments of others are an opportunity to revisit the dialogue in your mind. May I just offer some caution for the manner in which you revisit it?

I have been beating myself up from the depths of my own depression. We're talking blood sport, here. Unsanctioned, unregulated and quite frankly, uncalled for. I truly admire those with the testicular fortitude to say ENOUGH. It takes monumental oodles (I really delight in throwing those two words together) of strength, confidence, heart and courage to put an end to the cycle. My own cycle is deeply bound to the tides. They thrust me about in disarray and with a careless almost arrogance.  I often take comfort in that chaos. But in the grander scheme of things, it is an unhealthy way to live. It's not something that can be changed in a day. In fact, it's altogether possible it's a connection which can't truly ever be broken. It is, however, a challenge I'm more equipped to face than I was even days ago.

Someday I'll be free of the burdens imposed from my own mind. Here's to hoping I'm still "young" enough to enjoy the fruits of that. For now I'm off to seize the day. I may even fancy it up a bit with some sparkles or.... let's be honest - gin. TGIF, Pets!!!

P.S. As it turned out - the "side tangent" was to be the only tangent of the post. Ain't that some shit?




2 comments:

  1. Annie, I'm sorry about the "personality test". But those are stupid as hell anyway.

    I took one. The damn thing asked the same question three different ways! And it was repeated as such throughout the test! WTH? Or maybe that was a psych test?? lol. Anyhoo, I passed. That might be scary though, if you think about it. ME passing a psych test! lol.

    I would venture to say here that that job was not meant for you at this time or you would've passed the test. Somewhere in the deep recess of your mind you might not have REALLY wanted it.

    Our minds are tricky, eh?

    Trickier still when we trick them, yes?

    Have a super weekend and don't be so hard on yourself! I love you just the way you are!

    ((YOU))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well if you're gonna seize the day, then you need both the sparklers AND gin!

    ReplyDelete

Kitty

Friday, June 15, 2012

When The 'Ol Train of Thought Suddenly Realizes It Is, In Fact, An Airplane.

"Try and get back to basics this week. Learning to dress yourself, brush your teeth, and eat with utensils would be a good place to start."

As a strange and poorly planned directive came raining down upon us unsuspecting peons at work yesterday, I fully anticipate I'll have FAR too much time on my hands today. As it's also Friday, I don't take much issue with that. Today, anyway. Monday's another story.  

My mind has been all over the map these past few weeks so I can say with some degree of certainty, that this post will be entirely incoherent. And that's OK. It is mine, after all.

On a quick side tangent (Christ, Annie, you are barely a few sentences in and already a side tangent? SILENCE, PEANUT GALLERY!!!!) a couple of months back, we were forced to write our own performance reviews. Nothing new of note there, really, it's just one of those Corporate nuances. Anyhoo, as logic would dictate, I wrote my own review. My brain was somehow sending the signals which eventually traveled through my fingertips and recorded onto the screen before me. So fast forward a bit and I have a meeting with my boss to address the whole ordeal. The first words out of her mouth: "I must say, I really don't care for your writing style". Ouch. Funny thing is, to this day I'm not sure how to even fix that when my "style" was little more than what my mind dictated I write. There wasn't much style to it, per se.... but who the hell else's style would I have utilized? This would be, then, setting aside the fact that I don't write for a living (clearly). I simply stated what I accomplished this past year. Why would I be critiqued on my writing style? Ah well, one of those little mysteries in life, no?

Moving right along, I had applied for a job I REALLY wanted. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted. As luck would have it, I was selected to move forward into the process to a testing phase. Little did I know this would actually drag out over about 7 weeks. Each successive test, I was totally convinced I had bombed miserably. Each successive test gave way to yet another. My gut instincts were evidently on vacation. So the final test arrives and, well, let's just say it was nothing more significant than a personality test.

I failed.

Literally the ONE area of my life where I thought "Hey, I'm not too bad, this shouldn't be an issue." was the ONE area that barred me from continuing. Tough for a gal to not take all of this a bit personally. Thing is, I don't have to hear it from anyone else. Bad news. Of any sort. I'm there. We are all our own worst critics. Pushing all absurdities, injustice and judgment aside, at the end of the day, if you don't like what you see in the mirror..... or taking that a step further, what you perceive in your mind - you're the only one who can change that, right? This is nothing new. Yet funny how even reciting it over and over again in your head does nothing to make it all QUITE sink in. Sometimes the off-color comments of others are an opportunity to revisit the dialogue in your mind. May I just offer some caution for the manner in which you revisit it?

I have been beating myself up from the depths of my own depression. We're talking blood sport, here. Unsanctioned, unregulated and quite frankly, uncalled for. I truly admire those with the testicular fortitude to say ENOUGH. It takes monumental oodles (I really delight in throwing those two words together) of strength, confidence, heart and courage to put an end to the cycle. My own cycle is deeply bound to the tides. They thrust me about in disarray and with a careless almost arrogance.  I often take comfort in that chaos. But in the grander scheme of things, it is an unhealthy way to live. It's not something that can be changed in a day. In fact, it's altogether possible it's a connection which can't truly ever be broken. It is, however, a challenge I'm more equipped to face than I was even days ago.

Someday I'll be free of the burdens imposed from my own mind. Here's to hoping I'm still "young" enough to enjoy the fruits of that. For now I'm off to seize the day. I may even fancy it up a bit with some sparkles or.... let's be honest - gin. TGIF, Pets!!!

P.S. As it turned out - the "side tangent" was to be the only tangent of the post. Ain't that some shit?




2 comments:

  1. Annie, I'm sorry about the "personality test". But those are stupid as hell anyway.

    I took one. The damn thing asked the same question three different ways! And it was repeated as such throughout the test! WTH? Or maybe that was a psych test?? lol. Anyhoo, I passed. That might be scary though, if you think about it. ME passing a psych test! lol.

    I would venture to say here that that job was not meant for you at this time or you would've passed the test. Somewhere in the deep recess of your mind you might not have REALLY wanted it.

    Our minds are tricky, eh?

    Trickier still when we trick them, yes?

    Have a super weekend and don't be so hard on yourself! I love you just the way you are!

    ((YOU))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well if you're gonna seize the day, then you need both the sparklers AND gin!

    ReplyDelete