"Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always."
The alarm is going off. Get up. Get up, asshole. You up? Ok: Check.
Shower, down 2 cups of coffee, spray paint on some make-up and blow dry that mop : Check.
Get the kids up, dressed, fed and entertained: Check.
Got the leaves for his school project? : Check.
Is he wearing a red shirt today? : Check.
The little one needs a new change of clothes : Check.
....and a pillow for nap time (lucky little bastard) : Check.
Your 'Ol Man forgot his health insurance paperwork : Check.
Write the check for the little one's school : Check.
12 emails just came in. Answer them : Check.
Remember the pictures and magazines to send to mom : Check.
Wish your brother Happy Birthday : Check.
4 more emails.... : Check.
Make the kids lunches : Check.
Drop off the kids on the way to work... Oops... 7 more emails : Check and Check.
You're late and you forgot your laptop. Turn around and grab that and an extra lighter : Check.
Where's your debit card? Shit. : Check.
Mom-in-law needs you to mail some stuff since you're here : Check.
Get in a car accident : Check.
There's a weird feeling that occurs when your car starts spewing mysterious liquid from the massive gash in the front quarter panel. It's a mix between something that causes nauseous laughter and nervous chills. You almost want to throw your body on it to make it stop. Seems that might cause added embarrassment given the sudden onslaught of onlookers. And yet, still tempting. You wonder why you couldn't have at least caused the entire goddamned thing to go up in flames. At least THAT would be newsworthy entertainment. Even deserving of a bit of sympathy. Losing what turns out to be all your windshield wiper fluid all over the parking lot? Not as much. Yes, flames would have been far better.
It's been a strange year, Pets. By "strange", I fully mean it deserves the finger. I've always been a firm believer in notions that we need to choose how we handle stress or adversity. I've clearly been choosing to be a sobbing lump. Quite out of character, really. Losing three people very dear to me in the course of 2 weeks was particularly catastrophic to my selfish fragility. It's best not to get me started on the news. But the worst part of it, hands-down? I forgot to write. I almost forgot HOW to write.
My one escape. My one makeshift band-aid - to let the flood gates open and sort through all the debris while it's laid out in front of me. It was missing. And it was missed.
I was speaking with a friend of mine about all of this. He told me I had inspired him to write. Being the hormonal beast I am, that reduced me to tears. But what greater a compliment? He asked if I was still writing and I truthfully responded "no". There was strange heartbreak in his eyes. Not because he follows me on here and not because he was expecting anything of me. He simply found it to be a complete waste of that glimmer of hope I've so desperately needed. So why now? And why not sooner?
I'm afraid I don't have answers for either. I cling to the things I know, and I keep an open mind for ALL I don't. Time for another cup of coffee. Seize the day and such.