During this extended absence, it became clear to me I was missing something in my life. The past few weeks have been tough. Slipping into the quicksand of depression, my thoughts were becoming increasingly chaotic. My emotions: Up and down. A rollercoaster of the most damning variety. Still, making sense of it all was akin to learning a foreign language in the span of an afternoon.
The grass is always greener. Always. Somewhere else, the promise of a better life. Of happiness. Fame. Fortune. Beauty. But there is no secret formula. No plot of land promising omnipresent awesomeness. No. Such. Thing. It comes from within. Trouble is, “within” has become a boiling tar pit of yuck. It seems each time I turn inside out searching for an answer, I come out covered in goo and weepy to boot.
“You don’t smile anymore.” Heartbroken. I used to smile like an idiot at EVERYTHING (remind me to tell you about the story I read 2 days ago about the “Jerks of the Aviation World” – I seem to remember that made me smile, if only for a moment). Every hour of every day, I would smile so much my mouth hurt. What happened? Age? Stress? Lack of sleep? That pesky broken back of mine? I don’t think so. So bear with me as I’m planning on using my favorite medium to arrive at some sort of conclusion, here. At least a pseudo-conclusion until I close my eyes only to open them once more and find I have forgotten EVERYTHING. Have I shot myself in the foot before I took my first step?
I rather think it’s something impossibly simple. There is no “I” in “Team”, but if you rearrange the letters, you can find “me”. It’s me. I’m lost. Or rather, I’ve lost myself. Silly as it sounds, I actually enjoy being me. Not the me I inexplicably find myself being for other people. Not the wife, the Mama, the lackluster employee who eagerly takes way too much on her shoulders in the hopes of averting termination. Not even the “cool girl” who is invited out for Metal Night with the boys with the understanding that no chicks are allowed. Just me. Nothing fancy. No sparkles. No effort.
Whatever happened to that broad? Did she win an all-expenses-paid vacation to Shangri-La only to discover it was a ruse? Perhaps she embarked on one of those fanciful capers she was always talking about and she’s currently serving 25 to life? Nope. It’s something far more tragic.
She gradually faded into the heavily patterned wallpaper until the defining lines blurred beyond recognition.
Why? Why do I do that? What metaphorical shackles have consumed every limb rendering my ability to break free futile? Always eager to please, this one. Forever seeking acceptance, forgiveness, indifference yet love. Round and round we go, where we stop, I always know. Depression. Happiness is such an elusive bitch.