Unfinished.


“You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps”…

So it seems this whole writing business is coming in handy when it comes to sorting things out and getting over those pesky hurdles. Chicken soup or some such nonsense, yes?  I jest. I’m well aware there’s something very rewarding to being able to express oneself, be it through music, art, writing or kung fu. 

We all need an outlet. There won’t always be a shoulder to cry on and experience has told me, we aren’t by any means owed that.  When we do find ourselves fortunate enough to find a sounding board in life, it’s not something to be taken lightly and most certainly not for granted.

I’m not an easy person to know.

I struggle with that as I don’t think I’ve ever uttered it aloud. Something happens when you’ve spent so much time and energy crafting a pleasant persona for those you have no intention of letting in. The struggle between the outer and inner creatures results in constant torment and grief. Often the persistence of those who sincerely care for you becomes maddening. You earnestly try shooing them away….gently at first.

That rarely works.

You fool yourself into believing perhaps they’ll just forget about you so you can quietly mourn and proceed to make precisely zero changes.

Their stubbornness is almost impressive.
 
Finally the wall begins to crack… to erode… and everything once contained inside comes pouring out. I can only imagine the utter shock on the receiving end, though the facial expressions do much to aid the translation. From there we both find the battle has just begun.

My gut instinct is to apologize. That is rarely received well. After all, they accomplished what they clearly set out to do. And I applaud their bravery. Still, it hardly seems fair. All that work and this is the thanks they get?  Seems like anyone who hangs out with this riff-raff is getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!

All that said, I’m eternally grateful for those few amazing souls. Not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at my fortune. At these people who inexplicably formed a nest in my heart. In my soul. Who know EVERYTHING they NEVER wanted to know, and still answer my calls or smile in response to my gaze. Awestruck.
My questionable self esteem dictates I will forever feel the scales are tipped. That I have little more to offer up than myself. But there is a protective nature to my beast. I will fight for them until the end of time. I will be there when it feels like everyone else has left. They have taught me their persistence. An unconditional love I didn’t think I was capable of feeling, let alone receiving.  They soften the hard lines around my being and open my mind to experiences I was too afraid to know. It is my hope they realize their value to every cell in my body even when I’m too caught up in __________ to express. They are loved beyond words.

3 comments:

  1. The amazing thing about writing for me, has been how I have found myself again.

    That little girl I tried so hard to fix, to change, to just jam into the shape she needed to be for this whole life gig to work, that sweet little girl--is faithful, and still there.

    And I'm letting her out, slowly. Learning to trust, from a place of word like "never trust anyone."

    It's work, dear Ninja.

    And we have to ignore the demons.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There is always a shoulder to cry on.

    Until my last breath.

    A safe, round, always available place for you to land.

    Never forget you are adored.

    ReplyDelete
  3. *beaming* Thank you. I am a continual work in progress, but that is the understatement of the century. More simply: Thank you.

    ReplyDelete

Kitty

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Unfinished.


“You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps”…

So it seems this whole writing business is coming in handy when it comes to sorting things out and getting over those pesky hurdles. Chicken soup or some such nonsense, yes?  I jest. I’m well aware there’s something very rewarding to being able to express oneself, be it through music, art, writing or kung fu. 

We all need an outlet. There won’t always be a shoulder to cry on and experience has told me, we aren’t by any means owed that.  When we do find ourselves fortunate enough to find a sounding board in life, it’s not something to be taken lightly and most certainly not for granted.

I’m not an easy person to know.

I struggle with that as I don’t think I’ve ever uttered it aloud. Something happens when you’ve spent so much time and energy crafting a pleasant persona for those you have no intention of letting in. The struggle between the outer and inner creatures results in constant torment and grief. Often the persistence of those who sincerely care for you becomes maddening. You earnestly try shooing them away….gently at first.

That rarely works.

You fool yourself into believing perhaps they’ll just forget about you so you can quietly mourn and proceed to make precisely zero changes.

Their stubbornness is almost impressive.
 
Finally the wall begins to crack… to erode… and everything once contained inside comes pouring out. I can only imagine the utter shock on the receiving end, though the facial expressions do much to aid the translation. From there we both find the battle has just begun.

My gut instinct is to apologize. That is rarely received well. After all, they accomplished what they clearly set out to do. And I applaud their bravery. Still, it hardly seems fair. All that work and this is the thanks they get?  Seems like anyone who hangs out with this riff-raff is getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop!

All that said, I’m eternally grateful for those few amazing souls. Not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at my fortune. At these people who inexplicably formed a nest in my heart. In my soul. Who know EVERYTHING they NEVER wanted to know, and still answer my calls or smile in response to my gaze. Awestruck.
My questionable self esteem dictates I will forever feel the scales are tipped. That I have little more to offer up than myself. But there is a protective nature to my beast. I will fight for them until the end of time. I will be there when it feels like everyone else has left. They have taught me their persistence. An unconditional love I didn’t think I was capable of feeling, let alone receiving.  They soften the hard lines around my being and open my mind to experiences I was too afraid to know. It is my hope they realize their value to every cell in my body even when I’m too caught up in __________ to express. They are loved beyond words.

3 comments:

  1. The amazing thing about writing for me, has been how I have found myself again.

    That little girl I tried so hard to fix, to change, to just jam into the shape she needed to be for this whole life gig to work, that sweet little girl--is faithful, and still there.

    And I'm letting her out, slowly. Learning to trust, from a place of word like "never trust anyone."

    It's work, dear Ninja.

    And we have to ignore the demons.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There is always a shoulder to cry on.

    Until my last breath.

    A safe, round, always available place for you to land.

    Never forget you are adored.

    ReplyDelete
  3. *beaming* Thank you. I am a continual work in progress, but that is the understatement of the century. More simply: Thank you.

    ReplyDelete